Being lied or led astray

I come to dispise celebrating my birthday. Why should one ask? Why indeed.

Now I know that generally I can rise above shit. Be the rock in a situation to have people batter their bullshit against me until the event is over. Then we all pretend that I've never seen the worse side of them. It is also uncalled for to have me be upset about anything, simply because it is not focused on them.

Now to my birthday, all this seems to go into over drive. Someone else plans out my day without any involvement of my in put. Someone gets hurt, so the day is spent in the ER or hospital. A family pet needs to go to the Vet. The car breaks down and needs thousands to repair or bye a new one. Someone just had their birthday and I have to stay low key and quiet to make them always feel special. Never mind that this one needs to be complimented every 10 minutes to feel loved. This is a small list, but anything that be thought of to make me feel unimportant on the one day in the year I would expect a little love instead of dog shit is applicable.

So today, just to bring a codex to my birthday, I get told that there are people who are misleading me. Misleading me, but he isn't. Then because it is text messaging, vanishes.

To put it out there officially.

I know that I get lied to on a daily basis. The people who lie to me the most are the family and friends I love the most.

I have chosen a path to follow. In this path, I am committed to getting to a certain point so I can move forward. Until I get to my jumping off point, there will be deliberate land minds and ropes attached to me to fold me back. I will be complicit in setting up self sabotaging triggers along the way. In full knowledge of what they are. In full knowledge that to my face I will be lied to about them.

Also as to finding someone to love, there will be an undercurrent to deliberately support me in making wrong decisions. Then lied to about that process as well. I fully know that the only person who ever wants me to find love and be happy is my son. The rest want me to be just there to lean on and cry on my shoulders. My unhappiness is their joy.

Normally this gets all spread out pretty much evenly. For my birthday, there is an extra special lump it all together in one day or increase it to everyday for a week! Nothing like recognizing a person by making them feel like the only importance they serve is to serve.

I truly don't know why having someone to love and to love me in return is such a tall order in anyone's life.

I don't know why it is so hard to understand, sometimes even if you are being a right bastard. Your request will ve done, because you deserve to be loved too.

I don't understand why it is so hard to let someone feel special and loved, for five fucking minutes without strings or conditions!

Please, I know that I am loved, but in a fashion. This fashion of love comes with strings and conditions. A list of rules that must be followed. Anything that I consider important is of no consequence. "Shut up Jude" comes to mind here as it comes into play frequently.

So to put it out there.

Yes, I know that I have certain gifts. I try to use them to make others feel important, recognized, worthy and of value. I will be happy to be left in the dust as it helps another to rise out of their shit. Anything that is created by my hands must be credited to someone else. I am unworthy to be loved by anyone. To be liked is the most I expect. The same type of like one gives to a toaster when browning bread.

So yes, I know I am being misled. I know that I am lied to on a daily basis. Can we finally move on to another topic?

Thank you.