Stuck in the Middle

So I have received this text message at about 2:10AM this morning.

A few items that I can not repeat and then "we are splitting up again." Now this is not my relationship, but being the good friend. I have been on the side lines helping out - errands.

It has been the cherry on the cake of a world of crap that has been going on for the past two years. Instead of one focus and funnel everything through this one focus. Everything has been put on an even playing field of importance. This playing field has run ruffshod (bullied) over everything and everyone else.

Now it has become time to sort everything out. Layout the reality of the situation, make a plan to move forward.

All the players need to swallow their pride and come to an agreement. Myself included in this debacle.

Decisions

There are days when I come to question my choices. Question the direction that I have choosen to follow. Not to say that I have made choices that have been misrepresented. More closer to that I have choosen to fool myself that something will change if I give it enough faith.

I have been asked to apologize for something I stand by to one whom I must always pardon. "That's just So-n-So you know that they are ignorant. They don't know how they hurt others." Then there is a list of excuses.

It comes down to "Shut Up Jude" and just do what I say. Even if you are right. It is too keep the peace.

The problem that right now I am furious.

I am here to serve with only the occasional bone thrown my way. There is more thrown my way, true, but with conditions. Then pointed out how at least I have it so much better just being the confidante, the errand boy, the counselor, the librarian. That my pain is nothing compared to a list of people. A list of people who I have considered to be family.

Then I stop and think that if I allow myself to love someone else. I am trading one set of chains for another, to do the same thing with another family. That maybe this is all I am good for in life?

I know this all not to be true, but for right now. It feels true.

Being lied or led astray

I come to dispise celebrating my birthday. Why should one ask? Why indeed.

Now I know that generally I can rise above shit. Be the rock in a situation to have people batter their bullshit against me until the event is over. Then we all pretend that I've never seen the worse side of them. It is also uncalled for to have me be upset about anything, simply because it is not focused on them.

Now to my birthday, all this seems to go into over drive. Someone else plans out my day without any involvement of my in put. Someone gets hurt, so the day is spent in the ER or hospital. A family pet needs to go to the Vet. The car breaks down and needs thousands to repair or bye a new one. Someone just had their birthday and I have to stay low key and quiet to make them always feel special. Never mind that this one needs to be complimented every 10 minutes to feel loved. This is a small list, but anything that be thought of to make me feel unimportant on the one day in the year I would expect a little love instead of dog shit is applicable.

So today, just to bring a codex to my birthday, I get told that there are people who are misleading me. Misleading me, but he isn't. Then because it is text messaging, vanishes.

To put it out there officially.

I know that I get lied to on a daily basis. The people who lie to me the most are the family and friends I love the most.

I have chosen a path to follow. In this path, I am committed to getting to a certain point so I can move forward. Until I get to my jumping off point, there will be deliberate land minds and ropes attached to me to fold me back. I will be complicit in setting up self sabotaging triggers along the way. In full knowledge of what they are. In full knowledge that to my face I will be lied to about them.

Also as to finding someone to love, there will be an undercurrent to deliberately support me in making wrong decisions. Then lied to about that process as well. I fully know that the only person who ever wants me to find love and be happy is my son. The rest want me to be just there to lean on and cry on my shoulders. My unhappiness is their joy.

Normally this gets all spread out pretty much evenly. For my birthday, there is an extra special lump it all together in one day or increase it to everyday for a week! Nothing like recognizing a person by making them feel like the only importance they serve is to serve.

I truly don't know why having someone to love and to love me in return is such a tall order in anyone's life.

I don't know why it is so hard to understand, sometimes even if you are being a right bastard. Your request will ve done, because you deserve to be loved too.

I don't understand why it is so hard to let someone feel special and loved, for five fucking minutes without strings or conditions!

Please, I know that I am loved, but in a fashion. This fashion of love comes with strings and conditions. A list of rules that must be followed. Anything that I consider important is of no consequence. "Shut up Jude" comes to mind here as it comes into play frequently.

So to put it out there.

Yes, I know that I have certain gifts. I try to use them to make others feel important, recognized, worthy and of value. I will be happy to be left in the dust as it helps another to rise out of their shit. Anything that is created by my hands must be credited to someone else. I am unworthy to be loved by anyone. To be liked is the most I expect. The same type of like one gives to a toaster when browning bread.

So yes, I know I am being misled. I know that I am lied to on a daily basis. Can we finally move on to another topic?

Thank you.

Puzzle Pieces

OK, so the nature of this blog is going to change. Change into what? I haven't a clue.

This morning, I awoke to this image in my head of puzzle pieces tossed in the air. That's it. Nothing more or less, just peices tumbling as they floated up before falling.

Now to what it means? I haven’t a clue. I have this image in my head from time to time. My assumption is that I am just a witness to a bigger picture change. Plans starting their machinery to achieve a desired goal.

For me personally, hmmm new goals or old ones returning, desires that might be gathering ingredients to create a new stew? A start for questions, and I am sure dear reader that you could come up with more! 😉

The future is unwritten. Even as the Fates weave their womb, as the threads combine new colors and patterns emerge. Flaws created or fixed change the weave. As much as their advertising promotes, not even the Fates see all. If you are a true believer in Free Will, actions change out comes. The butterfly flaps its wings on one side of the world, and the other side is effected.

We venture on together.

Working hard on Christmas

Christmas has always been a difficult holiday for me. There is the joyful Spirit of the season. There is the dead emptiness after all the presents are open.

This past summer, someone extra special tells me that no one could ever love me, and, that I will die alone. While it is not true. I know that I am loved, even if it is for what I can do for someone. We all die alone.

Unfortunately it was said with such hatred and malice. It is very difficult to get the stain washed off.

Controlling My Anger Issues

There are more than a few reasons for my anger issues. Some of I’m sure that I am not even aware of as of yet. Inner psyche and all that wandering path. What happens when you are presented with the awareness that there is a sad spirit sitting on the boarder of the property where you live trying to stir the pot? Starring the pot so that it can feed off the negative emotions that are created.

There are people who are like this. Some how negative emotions make them feel stronger. They get a foothold into one’s life. Needing more, they will work to drive the bus that is you.

So what to do? I have no answers except for what I am going to try to do everyday.

There is a gentleman (and a loose term at that) who has issues. Among the many of them is a dislike of family and a push toward being an isolationist. There is a jealousy that runs through the heart of many thoughts. Also, not to be left out a selfishness that has the drive to wanted to be pampered and the only one who is special.

What am I going to do about it? Well for the most part treat him as a child. A child only because there are also the flags of dementia flying high. Most conversations are remembered for only the time within that they happen. Some conversations are remembered for the time that has the end point of creating a fight or something equally unworthy. Add to the list of avoiding the person as much as possible.

What would you do?

New letters

Nearly December,  it has been a while since I have written anything here. So with this in mind, a new series of letters will be written. Nothing specific but just about what is going on like a "Dear Diary," but to my brother who is dying.