Hello there,
I hope that all is well with you as you read this.
I don't know why for some reason that I can't count days and weeks lately. I have three weeks of chemotherapy to go through. Originally I was expecting 5 to 6 weeks, but it was cut short. Maybe because my test results came back great from the blood work and the PET scan.
I have emailed the fabulous Dr. Thomas Hyde, my oncologist to find out if we can get together for the next step. I might only need one round, but if I continue to need more. I am hoping that it will be another three weeks. If it is only for three more weeks, I will be able to complete it before moving to Daytona Beach, Florida on June 27th.
Good news, bad news... all depends upon one's point of view. This round of chemotherapy is to stomp out any loose and running around cancer cells free floating in my body.
Do I feel like a cancer patient? Granted this was never a part of my plan.... EVER! I have never expected to say that I am a cancer fighter, never mind a cancer survivor!
I do have two people specifically to thank for their direct experience and a few people who were the support team.
Caswell Forrest and my brother Stephen Bernard who both had different cancers. Stephen survived with a lot of chemotherapy treatment and radiation. Caswell Forrest who lost his fight against a cancer that was so aggressive that the doctors were at a lost for what to do.
When I officially was diagnosed with testicular cancer, I spoke to my brother Stephen. He went through experimental cancer treatment for throat cancer. He has survived and is after many years back to working. His advice is to go through the chemotherapy. It means a lot to me to get his blessing. It might not seem like a blessing on the outside of it. Pump your body full of chemicals in hopes of killing some fast growing cells.
Yet treatment now is so far away from original cancer treatment of a lot of radiation and chemotherapy drugs that bring a person close to death, in the hopes that the body will bounce back. Not everyone made it back to health with this regime.
As to Caswell who lost his fight, if it wasn't for him. I wouldn't have learned about what to eat or not eat during this time. The food I eat now is healthier, to extra sugars and fats that have been added into foods and meats. The chemo drugs that I am taking can push your sugars to the point of being diabetic. Something that I know I have repeated many, many times. Eat more high fiber because the drugs will bind and much up the intestinal system. The better details are nasty.... but ask me personally.
Now to the people who are/were the personal support:
My parents Jude and Nilda Bernard and Agnes Bernard (sister in law), they were with Stephen from start to finish.
Roland Waters who stood and fought to keep Caswell healthy and alive for as long as possible.
Being the support system for anyone with an illness takes just as much out of you as much as out of the person who is sick. Worry, concern, being upset, fighting for the best choice of that person.
Well, this is only going to be a short entry. I am very tired and just have enough energy to watch tv... and nothing heavy.
Hugs to everyone!
Jude
What happens when the panic, a nervous break down and growing up meet at a dinner for coffee. Also... mainly for now.. to let everyone know what is going on in my head and how much I could not be doing this without them.
Thursday, May 15, 2014
May 15th - Thursday Morning... the dog has been scratched and "Hello Bill"
My dear wonderful son Bill - an open letter -
Thank you for what felt like a two second phone call this morning. I do hope that you can get back to me soon. I am sorry that I needed to run off to the bathroom on you this morning. One of the gifts that I have gotten from my surgery is now a new pressure when I need to go pee. The bladder is pressing up against the scar trail, and the scar trail is not as flexible yet as before.... so when I need to go. I have to run... walk quickly... sprint.
Too much information? Let me think? No.... nope... nah.... nyet.... there is more information, but this is the polite version of it. I will tell you more in person.
Bill, you worry about not calling me or having me reach you with phone calls. I just want to say officially as your father/parent and your cheering squad. I have no worries about when you reach me over the phone. You are busy and you do care. Yes, a five minute call here or there or just a message would be nice, but that can happen when it happens. Maybe I should leave more messages to you too.
Water under the bridge, and no skin off either of our noses! It is mainly to keep you up to date. Talk to you about your girl friend and why you don't have a third girl friend yet!! No stopping to look at puppies, there is going to be no one around to take care of them.... or worse, someone will have to sacrifice their future to take care of this puppy.
Yet, I can not say how proud of you I am. I love you so freaking much and you make me prouder ever single day that my heart beats! I look back at what you have accomplished when you have been here, and, what more you have done so far during your time in the Air Force! You have been over seas and written up twice/thrice in the professional journals for simple changes that you have made to the job that have been recognized and published. You have brushed it off as nothing important. Maybe it isn't that important, but to have your name published is! It is recognition. It reflects wonderfully upon you, your base, your commanders. It helped you to get that extra stripe and star on your shoulders! Something that you weren't expecting until August!
Also from what you have told me, the pilots love your briefs. I know, I know... you hate giving them because of the amount of research that you put into them are more than anyone else does. BUT, the pilots and your commanders still love them! Why do they love them? It is because you are giving them the information not only that they need but from reliable sources and not from the talking heads off the television. It is not MSNBC, FOX NEWS, ABC NEWS, CBS NEWS, CNN or any of the opinion commentators. You told me that you find the source of the news and get the direct quotes. Yes, it is a lot of work, but you have set a precedence up at work that is now being copied. Gee, I guess that now everyone in the office is the next Snowden because they are getting accurate information!
I can not begin to tell you how proud I am of you and all the effects that you have had on other people!
OK... moving on... so there are a few more entries to this blog. So you can catch up with the back reading tonight.
Today is my fourth chemotherapy day. I am doing really well with it, except the hiccups. It is an unwritten side effect from the combination of chemotherapy drugs. I do have some pills to combat it, but yesterday was bad and I needed to take two to stop them. Hiccups, after a while, begin to hurt. I am tolerating the chemo really well. I have been getting tired, BUT, mainly to my own stupidity. I have been staying up late to keep up with Grandpa and his crazy hours schedule. So I would be in bed by midnight. Then up in the morning around 5:30/6AM with Mr. Shane. Just not that many hours of sleep, so last night I went to be early... around 10PM. Tonight will even be sooner. I am a morning person, and can't break this habit.
OK... now about the house. The closing date has been pushed out to June 27th. If you can get here for a few days - and how ever cheaply. It will be a great! You can help us pack and drive the truck back to Wichita! The only thing is to make sure that you get an oil change before you leave. Gramps, Shane, Butch and I will be driving the rental truck down to Daytona Beach. Then in August you can apply to change bases for Petersen(son) AFB in Florida. Or any of the AFBs in Florida! You wouldn't be that far away for a drive, maybe a couple of hours at the most! I do hope that will be able to happen!
No extra hair on the pillow in the morning. It may be waiting until I hit the shower. If it does leave, I will sport the Captain Piccard look soon. The hair loss if it happens starts out as thinning. I am thinning anyway, but not everyone gets it. Most people do, but not everyone. It also might happen as a part of my second week, with the build up of the byleomicin.
I have started to use the Rife machine. Building up my red and white blood cells and working on eradication the cancer cells that might be floating around in my body. I will be home earlier today to work on setting up a specialize program customized to me alone. I will also work on one for the Gramps. It is amazing on how this machine works! What it does is to help the body by boosting its own natural electrical current, which goes down when the body is fighting disease, a cold, a paper cut. It helped Grandpa Caz and there is proof too. When he got back on the machine for his liver. One of the scans showed that part of the damage from the cancer was reversed. Because the cancer was too aggressive, he was always too weak. He also said that it hurt his liver when he put it on. While he was only weak and not in pain, just this little bit of pain hurt him too much. I am not Grandpa Caz, and my oncologist Dr. Hyde was saying cure from the beginning.
Dr. Hyde, my oncologist, is a really great guy. He has an easy belly laugh and is a great man to talk to about all this. He takes his time to explain everything. If it wasn't for him, I honestly do think that I would be lost in this world of cancer. He is the man who said... "wait a minute" if your closing date is this, we can get a round of chemo into you before you leave! When this round is done, more blood work to find out where I am and to what will be the next steps.
Grandma Roxane and Theresa Wilson opened up the mobile home in Daytona Beach. They both have stated that they saw Kaiser Permanente clinics and a couple of hospitals in and around the area. Unfortunately they are not showing up on the Kaiser web site. I am going to have to call their main number to find out what is what. I will have more time for this next week.
Have I ever told you lately, how much I love you and for you to be there are a beacon of hope and love for me? There are so many people around me..... like Jennifer Gussack, Maria Tesoro, Grandpa Roland, Uncle Steve, Grandpa Jude, Grandma Nilda,... even your Mom - Kelly Bernard who have come forward to be a light of hope for me to lean upon! Rory Kealohi, Rick Eckstien, Oran Ritch, MC Donnelly, Sam Johnson and the list goes on and on... even though not everyone is here in the immediate area. They are keeping in touch and checking in with me. I am over whelmed with love, hope and graciousness. All these people who are reaching out to touch me, are following in your footsteps.
Much love to you my favorite son....yes my only son... Shane doesn't count as a son.
Dad
Thank you for what felt like a two second phone call this morning. I do hope that you can get back to me soon. I am sorry that I needed to run off to the bathroom on you this morning. One of the gifts that I have gotten from my surgery is now a new pressure when I need to go pee. The bladder is pressing up against the scar trail, and the scar trail is not as flexible yet as before.... so when I need to go. I have to run... walk quickly... sprint.
Too much information? Let me think? No.... nope... nah.... nyet.... there is more information, but this is the polite version of it. I will tell you more in person.
Bill, you worry about not calling me or having me reach you with phone calls. I just want to say officially as your father/parent and your cheering squad. I have no worries about when you reach me over the phone. You are busy and you do care. Yes, a five minute call here or there or just a message would be nice, but that can happen when it happens. Maybe I should leave more messages to you too.
Water under the bridge, and no skin off either of our noses! It is mainly to keep you up to date. Talk to you about your girl friend and why you don't have a third girl friend yet!! No stopping to look at puppies, there is going to be no one around to take care of them.... or worse, someone will have to sacrifice their future to take care of this puppy.
Yet, I can not say how proud of you I am. I love you so freaking much and you make me prouder ever single day that my heart beats! I look back at what you have accomplished when you have been here, and, what more you have done so far during your time in the Air Force! You have been over seas and written up twice/thrice in the professional journals for simple changes that you have made to the job that have been recognized and published. You have brushed it off as nothing important. Maybe it isn't that important, but to have your name published is! It is recognition. It reflects wonderfully upon you, your base, your commanders. It helped you to get that extra stripe and star on your shoulders! Something that you weren't expecting until August!
Also from what you have told me, the pilots love your briefs. I know, I know... you hate giving them because of the amount of research that you put into them are more than anyone else does. BUT, the pilots and your commanders still love them! Why do they love them? It is because you are giving them the information not only that they need but from reliable sources and not from the talking heads off the television. It is not MSNBC, FOX NEWS, ABC NEWS, CBS NEWS, CNN or any of the opinion commentators. You told me that you find the source of the news and get the direct quotes. Yes, it is a lot of work, but you have set a precedence up at work that is now being copied. Gee, I guess that now everyone in the office is the next Snowden because they are getting accurate information!
I can not begin to tell you how proud I am of you and all the effects that you have had on other people!
OK... moving on... so there are a few more entries to this blog. So you can catch up with the back reading tonight.
Today is my fourth chemotherapy day. I am doing really well with it, except the hiccups. It is an unwritten side effect from the combination of chemotherapy drugs. I do have some pills to combat it, but yesterday was bad and I needed to take two to stop them. Hiccups, after a while, begin to hurt. I am tolerating the chemo really well. I have been getting tired, BUT, mainly to my own stupidity. I have been staying up late to keep up with Grandpa and his crazy hours schedule. So I would be in bed by midnight. Then up in the morning around 5:30/6AM with Mr. Shane. Just not that many hours of sleep, so last night I went to be early... around 10PM. Tonight will even be sooner. I am a morning person, and can't break this habit.
OK... now about the house. The closing date has been pushed out to June 27th. If you can get here for a few days - and how ever cheaply. It will be a great! You can help us pack and drive the truck back to Wichita! The only thing is to make sure that you get an oil change before you leave. Gramps, Shane, Butch and I will be driving the rental truck down to Daytona Beach. Then in August you can apply to change bases for Petersen(son) AFB in Florida. Or any of the AFBs in Florida! You wouldn't be that far away for a drive, maybe a couple of hours at the most! I do hope that will be able to happen!
No extra hair on the pillow in the morning. It may be waiting until I hit the shower. If it does leave, I will sport the Captain Piccard look soon. The hair loss if it happens starts out as thinning. I am thinning anyway, but not everyone gets it. Most people do, but not everyone. It also might happen as a part of my second week, with the build up of the byleomicin.
I have started to use the Rife machine. Building up my red and white blood cells and working on eradication the cancer cells that might be floating around in my body. I will be home earlier today to work on setting up a specialize program customized to me alone. I will also work on one for the Gramps. It is amazing on how this machine works! What it does is to help the body by boosting its own natural electrical current, which goes down when the body is fighting disease, a cold, a paper cut. It helped Grandpa Caz and there is proof too. When he got back on the machine for his liver. One of the scans showed that part of the damage from the cancer was reversed. Because the cancer was too aggressive, he was always too weak. He also said that it hurt his liver when he put it on. While he was only weak and not in pain, just this little bit of pain hurt him too much. I am not Grandpa Caz, and my oncologist Dr. Hyde was saying cure from the beginning.
Dr. Hyde, my oncologist, is a really great guy. He has an easy belly laugh and is a great man to talk to about all this. He takes his time to explain everything. If it wasn't for him, I honestly do think that I would be lost in this world of cancer. He is the man who said... "wait a minute" if your closing date is this, we can get a round of chemo into you before you leave! When this round is done, more blood work to find out where I am and to what will be the next steps.
Grandma Roxane and Theresa Wilson opened up the mobile home in Daytona Beach. They both have stated that they saw Kaiser Permanente clinics and a couple of hospitals in and around the area. Unfortunately they are not showing up on the Kaiser web site. I am going to have to call their main number to find out what is what. I will have more time for this next week.
Have I ever told you lately, how much I love you and for you to be there are a beacon of hope and love for me? There are so many people around me..... like Jennifer Gussack, Maria Tesoro, Grandpa Roland, Uncle Steve, Grandpa Jude, Grandma Nilda,... even your Mom - Kelly Bernard who have come forward to be a light of hope for me to lean upon! Rory Kealohi, Rick Eckstien, Oran Ritch, MC Donnelly, Sam Johnson and the list goes on and on... even though not everyone is here in the immediate area. They are keeping in touch and checking in with me. I am over whelmed with love, hope and graciousness. All these people who are reaching out to touch me, are following in your footsteps.
Much love to you my favorite son....yes my only son... Shane doesn't count as a son.
Dad
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