Welcome to Wednesday

The past few days I have not played catch up here on this blog. I would like to give as my official reason is that I have just been physically and emotionally tired. It has been difficult to be inspired to put anything down in words. I know that this is mainly from the chemo drug bleomycin. It has been sneaking around popping its ugly head up here and there.

Today I took a trip to the Home Depot in Longmont CO. Purchased a spool of pre-wound cord for the weed whacker and it turned out to be a double feed instead of the single feed needed. So the trip was more for a return and purchase the correct item. It was nice to be back to see a few people. Learned that one person got fed up with the job and is no longer working there. How other people have been stepped up to help the Service Desk.... aka Special Services. In the middle of it all, I could feel my body starting to shake. It was nice to be able to go and leave, even though I did have the instinct to pick up the phone and help with some phone calls.

Left the house today with Roland and the dogs at about 1:30 pm. There was a realtor coming with a client to see the house at 2 PM. I was able to donate some more items and exchange the dog kennel that I have for Shane to something a bit smaller. His original one would have been a good dog house. This new one just needs some cleaning and a nice piece of foam for a bed.... or an older pillow. Something will be found.

I fell asleep in the recliner today. Being tired has been replaced by just conking out.

On the personal side of my recovery:

Being tired lately has come with an emotional component that didn't happen before. Now the two seem to be merging. There is really nothing to complain about overall. I am getting healthier day by day. My hair falling out and needing to shave the rest off so that the Wookie look kicks me out of a restaurant or anywhere else for that matter. The dealing with Roland's emotional load of grief, worry and pain. Having to be up and happy for other people. Everything gets to be exhausting. I do suppose that add cancer on top of all it, being a bit sad shouldn't be surprising.

Jude

A New UP do!

The new look, well at least for a while....

Dr. Hyde said that I would start losing my hair the second week. It didn't start happening until the start of the third week (though told it was a bit earlier). The past two days in the shower an extra rinse off was required to get rid of the hair that was falling out. My bathrobe felt all itchy. My clothes and pillow had more hair on them, then a Wookie!

So the decision was made. This is just the first step in trimming it down to nothing. Step two is going to take a razor to it. Knit caps tend to have this Velcro effect on my head right now.

* * * * * *

The start of all this was some what of a surreal dream, with the only way that I could cope and or deal with anything is by treating everything as if it was just another allergy attack. Taking one step at a time and fully telling the doctors that, yes I do hear and understand everything. I am going to sit happily in the delusion that this is not what it is until it is. Facing the reality of everything was too much to deal with as everything moved forward in a herky jerky motion.

Talk to the MD, who arranged an ultrasound and the urologist..... wait a week.
See the Urologist, surgery in two days and wait for your results.
The urologist who gave my the preliminary pathology report on that Friday was not my surgeon. He did his best to make it a good report. He was up beat and that for a cancer this was one of the best ones to get! Totally curable! ....all I heard was cancer.

Wait again to see an oncologist, a screw up in the scheduling and my initial appointment was cancelled and given to someone else. Lose your place, wait a week.... or more. Placed on a call list for the next available cancelled appointment. Introduced to Dr. Hyde who got a CT Scan scheduled.

May 12th started chemotherapy.

My feelings during this time? I was actually fearful to show them and let them be known. Living in a house where there is already so much grief and woe. Adding more to it felt wrong and irresponsible. The emotions came out anyway in small bursts here and there. It has not been easy to deal with Iit all, but one does soldier on.

Give a little more. Give a little less.

Thursday evening and watching "Burlesque."  Spent the day out of the house taking a drive with Roland and the dogs.

Tuesday was the last bleomycin treatment and my picc lined was pulled.

Tuesday evening the plan was to stay warm and prevent any chill. Yes, well the chill started in the lungs. Just as if they were being filled with air conditioning. Roland made me an incredible mushroom soup. Fight the cold from within with heat on the inside.

Went from starting to run a fever temperature to hot and stripping off the blankets to cool down. While not the best to be covered in sweat, at least the body is working in the correct direction. Eventually to bed to get some sleep, what was a night of sweat and waking up to go pee.

Wednesday morning and strip the sweat soaked sheets. Put the bedroom back together, more appropriately reset to house showing settings.

There is extra hair in the shower. Nah! Not mine.

There is more than a little joy as finally after three weeks, the left arm is free of protective plastic wrap to protect the picc line.

A big gift was enough energy to mow the upper half of the lawn. Shower and hurry up out of the house for another showing. We took off and landed in the Prospect area of Longmont for a little walk that ended with this incredible cinnamon chocolate cake at the BBQ restaurant there. It was too good to finish, even though we shared it!

After coming home, relaxing,  and running my hand through my hair. The realization that my hand was full of hair.

Thursday:

We drove up to Estes Park, because the showings today had a five hour spread. Might be because of the altitude of Estes Park, I did find myself having to stop more often. It was nice to be outside.

Oh late my mind has been churning with ideas. Build this, create that, create an Esty shop called "One Off" just sell what ever I create as an one shot prototype. It is a thought.

Dealing with bleomycin and my learning curve

Bleomycin is a chemotherapy drug. It is the main drug that I am taking to help stomp out any cancer cells free floating (hopefully not) in my body. It is a nasty drug. One of the things that it does is to make it difficult to breath.

Tuesday night was bad with the chills. Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, I have been learning about how much energy that I can expend doing anything: conversation, walking the dogs, watching TV or reading. A friend stopped by on Thursday to catch up because she had returned from Sedona AZ. It was only a 30 minute visit and I needed to rest with a nap. Today out of the house because of two realtor showings, and on the way home. Stopped by King Soopers (a local grocery store) and snails moved faster than I did. If I didn't move a glacier speed, I would have been out and useless for the rest of the evening. Not that being useless is a horrid thing to happen, but being useless to myself  sucks.

Bleomycin is going to take a while before it gets out of my system. In the mean time, slow deep breathing is going to have to do.

This weekend is Memorial Day weekend. It will be an interesting what we can do or not do with two dogs. The Bolder Boulder is this weekend, along with the Boulder Creek Festival. Well as long as Shane and Butch are on a leash we should both be good.

Have a great Memorial Day Weekend!

Penance for going to bed early, early wake up

"Early to bed, early to rise. Makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise." Ben Franklin

This from a man who knew his way in and out of a corset in seconds.

It has been a couple of days since I have written anything, it has taken me this amount of time to bounce back.

On Tuesday I received my bleomycin shot. It was a good day. The blood work came back as great! I have even lost the water weight I have gained from last week. I am walking as much as I can, but it is all this healthy eating!

Well anyway... Tuesday evening, I had started getting cold and was starving. I ate and ate some more. Looking back, maybe a couple of the choices were not so on target. I was sore and tired and hurting. My fingers on my left arm were tingling and the arm itself was sore. My toes on both feet were tingling. I started shivering in bed uncontrollably. The shivering moved to shaking, from shaking to the thought that I wasn't going to die of cancer. I was going to die of chemotherapy!

Yes, looking back on it. I was a bit over dramatic, but, I was scared and feeling very much alone.

Shane was walking back and forth on the bed and whining. He didn't know what to do to comfort me. It is usually the other way around in of man/dog relationship.

I called Roland to come up stairs and put some blankets on me. He came running upstairs with a blanket and then got more out from the hall linen closet. He covered me. And while I look at it as being not one of the better moments in my life, shaking from being cold in bed, crying and thinking that my world is not going to see the morning sun. It is also not something to be ashamed of either. I am fortunate to have someone there for me.

Over and over, I get told. There is nothing wrong with a little bit of self pity when you are seriously sick. One needs to conserve your strength and push forward in working on getting better. So if that means that your self built tower of strength falls into a puddle of tears and shaking. This is what you need to do. It is a lesson I am learning.

Roland didn't leave until I fell asleep.

Wednesday, I just took it easy. No doing anything strenuous outside of a cup of coffee, re-read my medical information. Realize that Tuesday night is an expected side effect of the bleomycin. It is good to be reminded, that it is just par for the course.

I have one more shot coming next Tuesday. I also have my picc line removed from my arm on the same day. For me, this will be the end of the chemotherapy for a while unless testing proves otherwise down the road.

One new thing that we did learn on Wednesday morning. The buyers for the house pulled out. They couldn't get more off on the house with the inspection, so they are now looking at other properties. It has thrown us in a bit of a tail spin loop. Hopefully with the help of our realtor, we won't be tail spinning through the end of June.

Almost Monday morning....

This weekend has been one of pushing and being exhausted and catching up with people and getting flushed and more and more, but ended with watching the movie: "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty." Based on a short story by James Thurber. A movie directed and starred in by Ben Stiller. This is actually one of his movies that I would consider buying for myself and not because it would be a good family film to have in the library. The photography is incredible. The sheer size of the film is on the verge of "Lawrence of Arabia" scope for just what is filmed. Iceland and Greenland have the most incredible vistas and views.

A story about a man who turned his day dreams into reality.

Turning day dreams into reality has been a theme that has cropped up lately. It has been running hand and hand with not giving a care about what other people think about you. It is the most hardest thing in the world to be oneself. So many people want you to be and do anything else that will help their lives to be easier instead of hearing no. When they get yes, it is just a short trip to being used.

There is nothing wrong with giving of one's heart, when one chooses. It is quite the difference when it is taken for granted that you, me or anyone will just roll over.

It is a reminder that one needs to trust both the heart and the head, through it all away and listen to your gut instinct. If it is saying no, then pay attention. Other people might think that it is a game because you do change your mind, but in the long run. Who will you be saving? Them or you?

To be honest, this is not about taking a chance. The gut will tell you that too.

......

So as I move forward with chemotherapy, I am grateful to have only two more treatments to go through, and then the recover phase. Granted it is all depends on the person and how fast one gets the chemicals out of their system. Depending on the person and the chemotherapy treatment, recovery can be as little as six month up to a full two years. I do not expect to need the full two years, but in the mean time. Doing something else would be in the works. I will be taking inspiration from so many inspirational friends and family that I have surrounding me in the realm of love and light.

Yes and airy reference, but not everyone has their family right next to them all the time. Everyone who I do consider family is all over the place.

Monday May 20th is the day of the house inspection. Selling off the balance of the house possessions has begun. If there is anything that you have seen and would like, make an offer! Yes, you would need to be closer to Boulder to pick it up. Unless you want to pay for the shipping.

- Jude

Godzilla saves SF by destroying it!

I have never seen a monster movie that attacks Ireland. So today watching the new Godzilla movie... that actually makes sense... I feel safe if I moved to Ireland. No volcanos. No earthquakes. Just mad fairies, witches, ghosts and the such that would eat your face off in front of you.

So lets all get all together and be safe in Ireland!

Saturday morning and up and down all night ... ugh...

Yesterday was a good day over all with Chemotherapy, and, then going off to see Corin and her parents for a "Welcome to Boulder " party for them. I love her parents, they are such a warm and loving couple!

Last night was my first "old man" night with going to the bathroom a lot. I have turned on the fan in the bedroom, I think that maybe I was over heating. More water for me today, I can't get dehydrated.

As to Corin's party.... Great food and desserts that were tempting me by staring me down. I have been good by being watchful over the amounts of extra sugar that I consume. So no wine, or alcoholic beverages, no fruit or cookies... just some salad, water and a burger! I wasn't there for the food as much as for the company!

Last night's conversation covered a wide range of topics from my chemotherapy, to Corin's Dad's medical condition, her Mother's learnings about vibrations and the spiritual world. What was wonderful about this is that there was nothing that was challenging to anyone. Each person could share a bit of themselves in and open and welcoming environment of conversation! No matter where the conversations went, everyone got a chance to participate!

Thank you Corin and the missing Chris for a great time last night!

Today is my first day out of the day to day activity of going to the hematology infusion center. I return on Tuesday. Roland will be helping me with the flushing to keep my picc line clean. One saline and one heprin flush each to make sure that there are no blood clots in the line. But.... hydrate, hydrate, hydrate... walking around to get the chemicals through the system and out.

Later today or tomorrow, so painting the front of the house, it just needs some touch up.

Come by if you would like to hang out on a ladder!

Jude

Hitting the high life with friends on my 5th day of chemo.

Day 5 of chemotherapy and more stuff has creeped into place. This exhaustion thing is for the birds! My legs are stiff and a new joy is my eye sight. When someone uses a flash to take your photo,  and then there is the residual light flash in your eyes. Yes, well that is happening more often. It is another unwritten side effect from the combination of drugs. I will survive, but it is annoying!

Overall one great piece of news today is that I am only going to have one round of chemotherapy!  I have two more treatments,  one next week and one the following week. The picc line gets pulled. I will have a free arm once more! It can take up to 2 years to fully recover from the different chemotherapy regimes, but according to Dr. Hyde six months should do me.

During this time, I will be looking into a change of careers. Maybe a bit of writing to publish,  cartooning and other creative outlets. It is time to be a bit selfish with my life to enjoy it more. Granted, I do see this as an age thing vs being sick. Hey! Maybe I should let my hair grow out to my shoulders!

I don't see that happening either.

So as to tonight, friends Chris and Corin are having BBQ dinner party gor her parents. It will be great to get out of the routine of drugs and dog walking! I am looking forward to seeing Corin's parents again.  They are such a lovely warm couple!

What I have learned through this whole experience reinforces some life lessons from before.

1. Hydrate.
2. Say thank you often
3. Walk, move so what is in your system flushes out.
4. Laugh
5. Get more sleep, naps are great!
6. Accept the love and care from ones family and friends even if they are far away. They want to hug you and be there.
7. Express yourself.  There is a time and a place to complain,
 just as much as to rejoice. What out on the complaints.  Make sure that they are legitimate,  not just whining.
8. So many people do not know what to say when something devastating happens in your life and the life of others. They end up hiding to lick their own wounds of self inflicted hurt.
9. It is OK to be sick and back out of obligations,  but try to make it anyway.  Even if they talk behind your back about how sick you are/look. They are still talking about you....ties in with even bad publicity is still good publicity!
10. Love yourself. Be true to yourself.  Pee often.

Looking back on this entry, it is not the most soul searching of one, but not every day is one of deep contiplation. The monestary head would slap the back of my head and tell me to stop thinking to hard. Just enjoy the bread and jam for what it is. Sing along to that song, out loud and off key! Don't live in your head so much!

People to thank for their love: Rob Smith,  Pam Engels, David McCollough, Priscilla and Kevin (the Mr. And Mrs.), Erin Houck,  Harold Gahan, Stephen Bernard,  Kelly Sullivan, Roxane Waters,  Mary Harkness, Corin Blanchard, Chris Pino,   Amy Jajliardo, Nell Cass,  Myron Schweitzer, J Dean Shelden, and the list goes on  and on!

Thursday afternoon after chemo - side bar

Hello there,

I hope that all is well with you as you read this.

I don't know why for some reason that I can't count days and weeks lately. I have three weeks of chemotherapy to go through. Originally I was expecting 5 to 6 weeks, but it was cut short. Maybe because my test results came back great from the blood work and the PET scan.

I have emailed the fabulous Dr. Thomas Hyde, my oncologist to find out if we can get together for the next step. I might only need one round, but if I continue to need more. I am hoping that it will be another three weeks. If it is only for three more weeks, I will be able to  complete it before moving to Daytona Beach, Florida on June 27th.

Good news, bad news... all depends upon one's point of view. This round of chemotherapy is to stomp out any loose and running around cancer cells free floating in my body.

Do I feel like a cancer patient? Granted this was never a part of my plan.... EVER! I have never expected to say that I am a cancer fighter, never mind a cancer survivor!

I do have two people specifically to thank for their direct experience and a few people who were the support team.

Caswell Forrest and my brother Stephen Bernard who both had different cancers. Stephen survived with a lot of chemotherapy treatment and radiation. Caswell Forrest who lost his fight against a cancer that was so aggressive that the doctors were at a lost for what to do.

When I officially was diagnosed with testicular cancer, I spoke to my brother Stephen. He went through experimental cancer treatment for throat cancer. He has survived and is after many years back to working. His advice is to go through the chemotherapy. It means a lot to me to get his blessing. It might not seem like a blessing on the outside of it. Pump your body full of chemicals in hopes of killing some fast growing cells.

Yet treatment now is so far away from original cancer treatment of a lot of radiation and chemotherapy drugs that bring a person close to death, in the hopes that the body will bounce back. Not everyone made it back to health with this regime.

As to Caswell who lost his fight, if it wasn't for him. I wouldn't have learned about what to eat or not eat during this time. The food I eat now is healthier, to extra sugars and fats that have been added into  foods and meats. The chemo drugs that I am taking can push your sugars to the point of being diabetic. Something that I know I have repeated many, many times. Eat more high fiber because the drugs will bind and much up the intestinal system. The better details are nasty.... but ask me personally.

Now to the people who are/were the personal support:

My parents Jude and Nilda Bernard and Agnes Bernard (sister in law), they were with Stephen  from start to finish.

Roland Waters who stood and fought to keep Caswell healthy and alive for as long as possible.

Being the support system for anyone with an illness takes just as much out of you as much as out of the person who is sick. Worry, concern, being upset, fighting for the best choice of that person.

Well, this is only going to be a short entry. I am very tired and just have enough energy to watch tv... and nothing heavy.

Hugs to everyone!

Jude

May 15th - Thursday Morning... the dog has been scratched and "Hello Bill"

My dear wonderful son Bill - an open letter -

Thank you for what felt like a two second phone call this morning. I do hope that you can get back to me soon. I am sorry that I needed to run off to the bathroom on you this morning. One of the gifts that I have gotten from my surgery is now a new pressure when I need to go pee. The bladder is pressing up against the scar trail, and the scar trail is not as flexible yet as before.... so when I need to go. I have to run... walk quickly... sprint.

Too much information? Let me think? No.... nope... nah.... nyet.... there is more information, but this is the polite version of it. I will tell you more in person.

Bill, you worry about not calling me or having me reach you with phone calls. I just want to say officially as your father/parent and your cheering squad. I have no worries about when you reach me over the phone. You are busy and you do care. Yes, a five minute call here or there or just a message would be nice, but that can happen when it happens. Maybe I should leave more messages to you too.

Water under the bridge, and no skin off either of our noses! It is mainly to keep you up to date. Talk to you about your girl friend and why you don't have a third girl friend yet!! No stopping to look at puppies, there is going to be no one around to take care of them.... or worse, someone will have to sacrifice their future to take care of this puppy.

Yet, I can not say how proud of you I am. I love you so freaking much and you make me prouder ever single day that my heart beats! I look back at what you have accomplished when you have been here, and, what more you have done so far during your time in the Air Force! You have been over seas and written up twice/thrice in the professional journals for simple changes that you have made to the job that have been recognized and published. You have brushed it off as nothing important. Maybe it isn't that important, but to have your name published is! It is recognition. It reflects wonderfully upon you, your base, your commanders. It helped you to get that extra stripe and star on your shoulders! Something that you weren't expecting until August!

Also from what you have told me, the pilots love your briefs. I know, I know... you hate giving them because of the amount of research that you put into them are more than anyone else does. BUT, the pilots and your commanders still love them! Why do they love them? It is because you are giving them the information not only that they need but from reliable sources and not from the talking heads off the television. It is not MSNBC, FOX NEWS, ABC NEWS, CBS NEWS, CNN or any of the  opinion commentators. You told me that you find the source of the news and get the direct quotes. Yes, it is a lot of work, but you have set a precedence up at work that is now being copied. Gee, I guess that now everyone in the office is the next Snowden because they are getting accurate information!

I can not begin to tell you how proud I am of you and all the effects that you have had on other people!

OK...  moving on... so there are a few more entries to this blog. So you can catch up with the back reading tonight.

Today is my fourth chemotherapy day. I am doing really well with it, except the hiccups. It is an unwritten side effect from the combination of chemotherapy drugs. I do have some pills to combat it, but yesterday was bad and I needed to take two to stop them. Hiccups, after a while, begin to hurt. I am tolerating the chemo really well. I have been getting tired, BUT, mainly to my own stupidity. I have been staying up late to keep up with Grandpa and his crazy hours schedule. So I would be in bed by midnight. Then up in the morning around 5:30/6AM with Mr. Shane. Just not that many hours of sleep, so last night I went to be early... around 10PM. Tonight will even be sooner. I am a morning person, and can't break this habit.

OK... now about the house. The closing date has been pushed out to June 27th. If you can get here for a few days - and how ever cheaply. It will be a great! You can help us pack and drive the truck back to Wichita! The only thing is to make sure that you get an oil change before you leave. Gramps, Shane, Butch and I will be driving the rental truck down to Daytona Beach. Then in August you can apply to change bases for Petersen(son) AFB in  Florida. Or any of the AFBs in Florida! You wouldn't be that far away for a drive, maybe a couple of hours at the most! I do hope that will be able to happen!

No extra hair on the pillow in the morning. It may be waiting until I hit the shower. If it does leave, I will sport the Captain Piccard look soon. The hair loss if it happens starts out as thinning. I am thinning anyway, but not everyone gets it. Most people do, but not everyone. It also might happen as a part of my second week, with the build up of the byleomicin.

I have started to use the Rife machine. Building up my red and white blood cells and working on eradication the cancer cells that might be floating around in my body. I will be home earlier today to work on setting up a specialize program customized to me alone. I will also work on one for the Gramps. It is amazing on how this machine works! What it does is to help the body by boosting its own natural electrical current, which goes down when the body is fighting disease, a cold, a paper cut. It helped Grandpa Caz and there is proof too. When he got back on the machine for his liver. One of the scans showed that  part of the damage from the cancer was reversed. Because the cancer was too aggressive, he was always too weak. He also said that it hurt his liver when he put it on. While he was only weak and not in pain, just this little bit of pain hurt him too much. I am not Grandpa Caz, and my oncologist Dr. Hyde was saying cure from the beginning.

Dr. Hyde, my oncologist, is a really great guy. He has an easy belly laugh and is a great man to talk to about all this. He takes his time to explain everything. If it wasn't for him, I honestly do think that I would be lost in this world of cancer. He is the man who said... "wait a minute" if your closing date is this, we can get a round of chemo into you before you leave! When this round is done, more blood work to find out where I am and to what will be the next steps.

Grandma Roxane and Theresa Wilson opened up the mobile home in Daytona Beach. They both have stated that they saw Kaiser Permanente clinics and a couple of hospitals in and around the area. Unfortunately they are not showing up on the Kaiser web site. I am going to have to call their main number to find out what is what. I will have more time for this next week.

Have I ever told you lately, how much I love you and for you to be there are a beacon of hope and love for me? There are so many people around me..... like Jennifer Gussack,  Maria Tesoro, Grandpa Roland, Uncle Steve, Grandpa Jude, Grandma Nilda,... even your Mom - Kelly Bernard who have come forward to be a light of hope for me to lean upon! Rory Kealohi, Rick Eckstien, Oran Ritch,  MC Donnelly, Sam Johnson and the list goes on and on... even though not everyone is here in the immediate area. They are keeping in touch and checking in with me. I am over whelmed with love, hope and graciousness. All these people who are reaching out to touch me, are following in your footsteps.

Much love to you my favorite son....yes my only son... Shane doesn't count as a son.

Dad

Wednesday morning... and the dog is snoring

It is early Wednesday morning. Shane (my dog) is on the bed back and forth, between another quick nap with the added sawing logs sound effects and alert and ready to bark at the neighborhood dogs. He will let me know that it is time to get outside soon.

I had come across a quote about Pandora's box that I had previously posted on Facebook. It came floating back to my memory after a watching "Spiderman 2." One of the themes of the movie is that Spiderman gives the people of NYC hope. Hope is something that I hope that I give others when I listen to their stories and repeat back to them the good and the bad and actually how strong they are when they have dealt with their issue.

Everyone has their own path in life. Sometimes these paths cross with others and it then we can take the time to find out if this crossing is destined for the long journey or the short... or very short of a brief hiccup. In my life, I try to listen to people, since very few people do take the time to listen to others. I only give advice with something that I know that works... and only works because one needs to put in the time and energy to make it happen. The rest of the time is repeating back the decisions that have been stated in the conversation. People have made up their minds about a problem, but need a sounding board.

So when my decision to go public about my testicular cancer, it was not for sympathy or the search for it. The approach that I have taken is that this is just another thing in my life on par with the dog needing to go poop or walking back a freshly mowed lawn and sneezing (allergic to fresh cut grass). What has amazed me is the love and support that I have gotten. Pandora's box had open in my life a year ago with the diagnosis of Caswell's colon cancer and passing this past January of liver cancer. It had taken a while to understand .... and because of the movie.... that there are so many people who are there to give me hope and love.

How this has touched me, I can not begin to say. It is quite over whelming. This house here in Boulder has had a hard year. My cancer time line is similar to Caswell's, many differences so it is not the same, but one hard day was my first day of chemotherapy. It was also Caswell's first day of chemo, and the gentleman that was called in before me, his first name was Forrest... Caswell's last.... signs and wonders. I am not going through this alone, while Roland, Shane and Butch are here with me everyday. Shane and Butch aren't the verbal type being dogs, but they do what they can to show love. There is a world of friends and family all over the place who check in with me daily.

Granted, I am only going on my third day of treatment, I am not going down hill in a trolley with no brakes. Here I am realizing how many times I have used "I." While this is all effecting me personally on one aspect, this is effecting the people I love, call family and are family. So for the most part this is a "WE" thing. Since I don't express myself as much as I should...there's that "I" again. This forum is a good place to let everyone know what I am thinking and feeling and missing them.

Thank you Roland for your daily help and support, especially during your time of grieving and getting this house ready to sell and going through the house selling process. Having someone who is sick does not add to extra joy.

Thank you to my brother Stephen who is a light to me. You went through your own battle of throat cancer. If it wasn't for your word of encouragement to do the chemotherapy, I would be more afraid. Now I am not, thank you for that bit of encouragement and love.

Thank you to my parents Jude and Nilda who have given me some of their insight of what they learned as they went through the journey of Stephen's cancer.

Thank you to Laurie... a dear neighbor who doesn't know what to say about all this, but is here and ready to help.

Thank you especially to Caswell Forrest... there are many things that we are to each other... you loved to poke me with your finger, or just hover close so that I could physically feel your presence enough that I would step away and tell you not to touch me. Or your joy in saying something so that I would respond sarcastically back to you in a knee jerk reaction. Old woman, you are sorely missed. I know that you are around still standing in the sun light smiling at me and finally holding me when needed.

Thank you to Tony Edington, John Denman, Charlie Eliopoulos, Colin Dunn, Tom Mateas, Megan Fahrenbruch, Pam Engles, Melissa Bernard (rocking cousin 1), Maura Bernard (rocking cousin 2) and so many more people to list here. Thank you on the few words of comfort but many on the words of support and love. I am truly and honestly overwhelmed.

Yes, this a bit of an emotional ending for this entry this morning, and I will blame it on the steroids... but everyone who has gotten in touch with me in one form or another... you are all just another piece of hope standing at the bottom of my Pandora's box after all the sins, woes and griefs were release.

Day 2 of Chemo

Hello.

Well this is day two of chemotherapy. A new gift from the combination of chemotherapy drugs is the hiccups! It is an unwritten side effect of the drugs. I now have an added medication for the hiccups.

Monday 05/12 was the first day. A picc line was inserted through my left arm into larger and larger veins into just above my heart.  It is a soft tube that is inserted into the body that goes as close to the heart as possible. Preventing burns from the medicine in the smaller veins. I became a challenge for the nurse. When getting a Picc line, one is suppose to be relaxed. My biggest mistake was looking up a Picc line on line. Wikipedia is the worse site for information. It is easily changed and can be wrong.

On Wikipedia the line is inserted into the arm into a vein... all good. The diagram shown has the line going into one's heart. This is wrong. It does not go into the heart. It stops before it reaches the heart. Here I am freaking out, when I arrived to get the line inserted. The nurse was more than happy to tell me that I was wrong, just relax. Easier said than done. Laying down on the bed, my left arm stretched out. The first incision just tighten up my whole body. The nurse couldn't do anything with it. So a second incision was made and it took some time for her to insert the tube into my arm and keep feeding it to just above my heart.

Day One went very well, just an incredible amount of information to grasp a hold of and remember.

Day Two: It went well also.....until the hiccups started. Spoke to my nurse Rochelle RN, she told me that this was an unspoken side effect of the combination of chemo drugs. Not everyone gets it, but some do. She had a script written up for me. I have taken my first pill tonight so that I could sleep the night.

Emotionally on the whole I am doing well. I do have my moments from time to time when I am sad. Sad, but not depressed because "ain't nobody got time for that!" There are several things that I hold on too. One is all the love and support that I have been getting from the people who love me. Honestly it is something that I am just over whelmed with to receive. I am also holding on to that Dr. Hyde said cure over and over and over again. One of the big surprises is that I found out today that I will be having four weeks instead of the five or six weeks of chemotherapy. Whoohoo!

Today has been a good day. Being tired has kicked in today this afternoon. Tomorrow, I am expecting more tiredness. So far no hair loss, but that should start, if it does, after tomorrow.

All the current news to date!

And at the bottom of the box was .... hope

When Pandora opened the box that let out all the world's ills and woes. The last thing at the bottom of the box was hope.

One of the running themes with the new Spiderman 2 movie is hope. Spiderman represents hope to the city of New York. At the end of the movie, I was watching the credits and crying. I was sitting there realizing how many people were trying to give me hope, by being as positive as they can in the face of something horrible.

To say "I have cancer" is a statement that I have been treating lightly. The emotional toll does take its pound of flesh, simply because it needs to be recognized. While I do recognize that I need to deal with the emotions. I don't have the time for some of it. There are other times when I need to put everything to one side because I need to be strong for others.

Such is life.

1AM Crazy

Well not quite 1AM, but close enough.

Today was the PET Scan. I don't know why, but I thought that it was going to be more than it was. An IV injection of sugar and a bit of radioactive material to trace through my body. Lay down with your arms over your head. I hope that you are not claustrophobic. You are going to pass through the rings.

The best type of cancer.... is there a best cancer to get?

Dear Bill,

I shouldn't have to say it, but it does need to be said. Everything has been a whirlwind the past few weeks for me. I suppose that the most accurate statement to make that the past year and a half have been more than just a crazy emotional trying time.

About this time last year, Caswell (Roland's husband, Bill's step grand-DAD) was brought into the VA hospital and it was discovered that he had a colon cancer. The cancer had wrapped itself around a section of his large intestine. There was emergency surgery and it was removed. More accurately most of it was removed.

With chemotherapy treatments and the use of the Rife machine, Caswell was getting better and better. He had an ileostomy, which he wasn't happy about and worked hard to get them removed.

October 2013, Caswell went into surgery and had his ileostomy reversed. It was discovered that the cancer had covered his liver with freckles and about two-thirds of his liver was covered with cancer spots. He was given a prognosis of living as long as 2 to 3 years without treatment, and longer with treatment.

November 2013, Caswell developed an infection. It was taken care of at the Boulder Community Hospital.

"And it's the best type of cancer to get!..."

The time line:

April 7, 2014 - I went in to see Dr. Morris Moore in the Kaiser Permanente offices in Boulder. He set me up to see a urologist.

Monday April 14th saw the urologist and I was booked for surgery to remove my left testicle on Wednesday April 16th.

Friday April 18th, I was told by the on-call urologists that the preliminary pathology report came back and I have cancer. More specifically embryonal carcinoma, one of the types of testicular cancer.

Tuesday April 29th met with my oncologist Dr. Hyde. Definitely cancer, highly cure-able with two or one round of chemotherapy. Options of wait and watch or removal of lymph nodes for testing are options, but chemotherapy is the route to go.

Thursday May 1st, respiratory testing.
Monday May 5th PET scan
Wednesday May 7th meet once again with Dr. Hyde for the definitive plan.

Potential date to start chemotherapy on May 12th.... Monday.