On Tuesday, it will be a week since Roxane has left to go back to Massachusetts to be with her family. She has her own reasons for moving back. I have my own reasons about her reasons.
The mobile home is up for sale. I have had one flipper looking to pay only $2000 and now "if that." Then there was the offer to take everything off my hands so I don't need to get rid of it or bring it to the dump. I have been thinking of it and wrote a list of items that he would be getting. If he wants this items, he would need to pay for it.
So I have countered with $4500 with the stuff in the house... well most of the stuff. There is still quite a bit that would be coming with me regardless. In the mean time, I am still working on the pile of donation stuff to get everything slimmed down. I am going to need to get a hand truck.
My first EBay item sold. I am thinking that once this is all done. I am not going to be using EBay again. They are now charging for each entry. I owe them money that I know don't have.... hopefully soon, but right now nothing.
The debate about the Confederate flag is raging here in Florida. The divide is between "heritage" and "history" and it is falling down between race lines. The only people who I see defending the flag are white Caucasian people. I haven't seen anyone of color defending the heritage side of it. Right now, what people have been asking for is the removal of the flag on public properties, parks, monument parks, government buildings. They have no problem - so far - with it being on private property.
What happens when the panic, a nervous break down and growing up meet at a dinner for coffee. Also... mainly for now.. to let everyone know what is going on in my head and how much I could not be doing this without them.
Sunday, July 12, 2015
Monday, July 6, 2015
The Sixth of July - Stream of thought
Today a realtor stopped by the mobile home. She said that there were a couple of people who contacted her because they were interesting in my place but there was no way to contact me. Actually there is, you can contact anyone through the Zillow email contact. I'm not putting my phone number out there for phone calls that I won't be picking up. Well she has a client that would like to buy the place to flip it for a rental property.
If this happens, I can be out of here by August 1st.
I have so much stuff here. I don't know what to do about it. It is not selling and what does sell is really cheap. One friend says to just sell it and get rid of it. Which is all well and good if it sells. If it doesn't sell, what do I do with it?
I need to get boxes.
If this happens, I can be out of here by August 1st.
I have so much stuff here. I don't know what to do about it. It is not selling and what does sell is really cheap. One friend says to just sell it and get rid of it. Which is all well and good if it sells. If it doesn't sell, what do I do with it?
I need to get boxes.
Saturday, June 6, 2015
Need A Financial Miracle
I am living in a mobile home in Daytona Beach. Fact. The money that I have had has gone into bills, food and other things here. I cannot leave until the floors are fixed to the point a 400 pound person can walk on them.
My roommate is a short woman who weighs close to 400 pounds. She walks so heavy, a concrete garage would shake. Her walking is making the floors softer. I don't know what to do.
That's not entirely true. It is just going to cost me everything I have to do what needs to be done. With about $400 left, $150 is going into the registration of the scooter and $50 for a new power cord for my laptop. I will need to get packaging material to have stuff ready to ship. Everything that gets sold will be turned into materials to fix the floors.
So a new plan, sell everything and flip the property.
If it wasn't for a dear friend loaning me $1000, we would not have gotten this far.
So one financial miracle is needed.
Hear my prayer. Let everything sell. Let everything be easy to fix and a buyer welcoming this place as their new project home.
Amen.
Tuesday, June 2, 2015
Memorial Day and the shame of politics.
My son is in the Air Force. I am very proud of him, well after all he is my son. I am always proud of him. One of our many conversations has been that of what he can't talk about to anyone outside his office. I usually end up telling him, that it is OK. Since I am talking to him about the subject. He doesn't have to respond in any way.
And here comes Memorial Day this Monday. Monday, America recognizes Veterans who are still living and those who have passed on to another life. A problem with our country is not the honoring of our men and women who have put their lives on the line in the name of the United States of America. Unfortunately we have men and women in Congress who do not respect the men and women who go to fight as directed by our government. Cutting back on making sure that this country follows up the promise of taking care of our servicemen after they leave the service.
It use to be called shell shock. A condition recognized but never truly understood until recently. Diseases that have been denied the existence, because it would require research to heal. If you have ever been to a VA hospital, never go to the cafeteria. It would be better to get food at a gas station. If you are diabetic, vegetarian, low salt, eating whole foods are just foods that won't be served unless they are rolled in a dough batter and deep fried.
Our current set of problems from over seas are problems that our own government has created.
The current set of wars is not for the preservation of the American Way. It is for some a war about oil. For others it is just creating problems with the people and the laws of other countries.
And here comes Memorial Day this Monday. Monday, America recognizes Veterans who are still living and those who have passed on to another life. A problem with our country is not the honoring of our men and women who have put their lives on the line in the name of the United States of America. Unfortunately we have men and women in Congress who do not respect the men and women who go to fight as directed by our government. Cutting back on making sure that this country follows up the promise of taking care of our servicemen after they leave the service.
It use to be called shell shock. A condition recognized but never truly understood until recently. Diseases that have been denied the existence, because it would require research to heal. If you have ever been to a VA hospital, never go to the cafeteria. It would be better to get food at a gas station. If you are diabetic, vegetarian, low salt, eating whole foods are just foods that won't be served unless they are rolled in a dough batter and deep fried.
Our current set of problems from over seas are problems that our own government has created.
The current set of wars is not for the preservation of the American Way. It is for some a war about oil. For others it is just creating problems with the people and the laws of other countries.
Working on my fears...
Facing my fears:
One of the biggest fears that I have is doing something... anything... and having no one notice. Why is it a fear or where it came from is an unknown. When actions have been done in secret, just to be nice or as something that is just needed to be done. It is noticed.
So now every day doing something to get myself out of this home of mine. Where to move to after this is still up in the air. It is a decision that I am going to put aside for a while until I get into a better position .... meaning the mobile home is on the market and ready to go.
Hugs
One of the biggest fears that I have is doing something... anything... and having no one notice. Why is it a fear or where it came from is an unknown. When actions have been done in secret, just to be nice or as something that is just needed to be done. It is noticed.
So now every day doing something to get myself out of this home of mine. Where to move to after this is still up in the air. It is a decision that I am going to put aside for a while until I get into a better position .... meaning the mobile home is on the market and ready to go.
Hugs
Sunday, May 31, 2015
Concurring fears
I have run across a blog on Facebook http://www.100dayswithoutfear.com/ It is a young woman who is facing her fears. When trying to look up the blog, it is almost a movement. There are several blogs about facing one's fear, a fear a day for 100 days. For this blog in particular, the young lady who is writing it appears to have lead a very, very sheltered life.
To do this would be to figure out what is exactly a fear. I have spoken in public, sang, acted. I have given presentations for a job. I have dealt with the public. So I am working on what I am actually afraid of in my life.
What are your fears?
To do this would be to figure out what is exactly a fear. I have spoken in public, sang, acted. I have given presentations for a job. I have dealt with the public. So I am working on what I am actually afraid of in my life.
What are your fears?
Tuesday, May 19, 2015
For profit business or a church?
"It is not a verdict based on morality or religion. It is based on law. The bakery owners have the right to practice their religion, to attend religious practices of their choosing, and speak their mind on whatever their religious opinions are. But they and their customers were not in church, they were in a profit-making bakery that exists to provide cake for cash. They failed in that task and they are being held accountable under the law." Kerry Anne - Addicting Info.com(http://www.addictinginfo.org/2015/05/19/court-denies-bakery-right-to-refuse-to-serve-gay-people-christian-conservatives-freak-out-images/)
'The defendants are not a religious organization. They are a business for profit. There are no exceptions available." - District Judge Isobel Brownlie Northern Ireland Judge.
"They are in a business supplying services to all. The law requires them to do just that," said Judge Brownlie.
Bakeries are making the news all over the place. The owners of the bakery in Oregon still refuse to believe that they were doing anything wrong. This bakery in Belfast Ireland follows suit claiming that decorating a cake in a certain way violates their religious beliefs. One thing that I have noticed is that over and over again in many wedding videos. I have heard that bakers want to sit down with the bride and groom to get to know them to make a cake that will honor their marriage. Doing so allows them to participate in a small way. While it is a romantic ideal, the baker forgets that this is a business contract. They are not actually a part of the wedding aside from product bought in their store. A cold assessment but nevertheless a true one.
Christians want the right to discriminate against anything that they feel uncomfortable with outside of their little lives. This discrimination just doesn't apply to the LGBT community. A person could come up into their shop with a motorcycle leather jacket and be perceived as a Hell's Angel member. Ooooohhh this person could be a devil worshipper.
The ministry of Christ was to reach out to the people who lived on the edges of polite society. He sat, ate and drank with prostitutes, tax collectors, the un-educated, the sick and fishermen. He didn't condemn them for their decisions. He recognized the decisions, but didn't judge them for it. Jesus' reaction was so now that you know, you can choose another path. You can choose another direction. No one is tied to the past if they choose to break from it.
Hate the sin, but not the sinner. Nice words but here in this country and others like Uganda. Hate the sin because of the sin is standard. When I have done my reading and cross reading. Love between people of the same sex was never discouraged. Yet where the sin happened is somewhere in the sexual expression of that love, and, when that sexual expression is done in the name of another god. This is my opinion, and, what has been revealed to me in my walk of faith.
So this becomes another part of the culture of fear that is so prevalent in this country. This country that wants to be so proud of its diversity, hates, Hates, HATES, anything that is perceived as different. The story of Jonathan and David is in the bible for a reason. It is danced around so much that it is forgotten when any of the arguments come up. Yet it is said that their love for each other surpassed the love of a man and a woman. One felt when the other was hurt. Hmmmm sounds like love to me.
So I am a gay man. Very happy to be a gay man. I grew up Roman Catholic. I left the Catholic Church and became a "Born-Again" believe. From there, I moved on to being Pentecostal, to Evangelical, to nothing, on to now someone who is looking for the truth and searching more than just the bible. The "pagans" have many things that are right. So do the Muslims, Hindus, Buddhist and the many other religions of the world. There are certain bedrock truths that they all stand upon. There is more out there. I believe that it is my duty to find out.
Refusing to bake and decorate a cake is childish. If as a business you want to refuse service. Refuse service at the absolute beginning. Do not take a deposit. If you are a church, then you can stand on moral ground. If you are a business, then give to Caesar what is Caesar's.
'The defendants are not a religious organization. They are a business for profit. There are no exceptions available." - District Judge Isobel Brownlie Northern Ireland Judge.
"They are in a business supplying services to all. The law requires them to do just that," said Judge Brownlie.
Bakeries are making the news all over the place. The owners of the bakery in Oregon still refuse to believe that they were doing anything wrong. This bakery in Belfast Ireland follows suit claiming that decorating a cake in a certain way violates their religious beliefs. One thing that I have noticed is that over and over again in many wedding videos. I have heard that bakers want to sit down with the bride and groom to get to know them to make a cake that will honor their marriage. Doing so allows them to participate in a small way. While it is a romantic ideal, the baker forgets that this is a business contract. They are not actually a part of the wedding aside from product bought in their store. A cold assessment but nevertheless a true one.
Christians want the right to discriminate against anything that they feel uncomfortable with outside of their little lives. This discrimination just doesn't apply to the LGBT community. A person could come up into their shop with a motorcycle leather jacket and be perceived as a Hell's Angel member. Ooooohhh this person could be a devil worshipper.
The ministry of Christ was to reach out to the people who lived on the edges of polite society. He sat, ate and drank with prostitutes, tax collectors, the un-educated, the sick and fishermen. He didn't condemn them for their decisions. He recognized the decisions, but didn't judge them for it. Jesus' reaction was so now that you know, you can choose another path. You can choose another direction. No one is tied to the past if they choose to break from it.
Hate the sin, but not the sinner. Nice words but here in this country and others like Uganda. Hate the sin because of the sin is standard. When I have done my reading and cross reading. Love between people of the same sex was never discouraged. Yet where the sin happened is somewhere in the sexual expression of that love, and, when that sexual expression is done in the name of another god. This is my opinion, and, what has been revealed to me in my walk of faith.
So this becomes another part of the culture of fear that is so prevalent in this country. This country that wants to be so proud of its diversity, hates, Hates, HATES, anything that is perceived as different. The story of Jonathan and David is in the bible for a reason. It is danced around so much that it is forgotten when any of the arguments come up. Yet it is said that their love for each other surpassed the love of a man and a woman. One felt when the other was hurt. Hmmmm sounds like love to me.
So I am a gay man. Very happy to be a gay man. I grew up Roman Catholic. I left the Catholic Church and became a "Born-Again" believe. From there, I moved on to being Pentecostal, to Evangelical, to nothing, on to now someone who is looking for the truth and searching more than just the bible. The "pagans" have many things that are right. So do the Muslims, Hindus, Buddhist and the many other religions of the world. There are certain bedrock truths that they all stand upon. There is more out there. I believe that it is my duty to find out.
Refusing to bake and decorate a cake is childish. If as a business you want to refuse service. Refuse service at the absolute beginning. Do not take a deposit. If you are a church, then you can stand on moral ground. If you are a business, then give to Caesar what is Caesar's.
Monday, May 18, 2015
Praying, it has been a long, long couple of years.
The first two photos of are the right and left sides of my ankle with the stitches in place. The second set of photos are one month later after the stitches have been taken out and the scars healed.
It has only been a little over a month since my ankle broke in two places. When I saw the orthopedist, the doctor stated that the bones are knitting together progressively well. They are still not totally healed, but right on tract.
Now it is the matter of finding work. I have been hoping to get a job in one of the local hospitals, but that seems like a lost cause. I am over qualified for the jobs I have been applying. So now the job search goes back to working retail jobs.
The anger that is being carried inside me is still growing. It does not have a good outlet, because it would just get a bunch of "I'm sorry." The anger and the apologies would not change anything.
Sunday, May 3, 2015
Sunday evening and "Idle Hands"
One of the "most" oh so exciting things that have happened lately has been my sciatica acting up because of sitting wrong on the couch. Pinching a nerve that runs down the left leg has encouraged the want of a Charlie horse. Something thing that I am familiar with in my calves but I do not necessarily want them in my thigh. I have two weeks left until the first month of healing has happened. Putting weight on my foot sends shocks of pain at the ankle. So I am going to wait until the doctor gives me the go ahead.... with the next x-ray.
I have finally come up with a name of a company to do business under: "Idle Hands." Following the old saying that "idles hands are the devil's playground," in other words, keep busy.
Something that I have learned quite a bit of while I have been healing. I could have been doing so much more with my hands. I have just been sitting on my ass. So in the pass couple of days, I have been looking for projects to do to sell. I need to make some money to fill the coffers. My coffers are getting lower and lower. I don't trust my roommate every time I send her out with my credit card. She always seems to lose the receipt, or comes home with two. What she forgets is that I see the bank statement. She spends more than she says.
So anyway, I think that this is my opportunity to come up with ideas for the "boss" so that we can make some money. I have seen a few ideas that I believe that I can reproduce. There is also going to the library to find additional books with patterns. There is a book in the local library, that I hope to check out and grab some ideas from it as well. I am starting to look through the books I have to find any ideas from them. I should start putting the books up for sale to get rid of the excess that I have. I need to start getting photos of everything that I have here ready for sale in July for the Christmas "rush". I just need to remember no international send outs, unless they pay for the shipping.
Well anyway this is the plan....
And soon this blog will turn into a combination of postings of stories, for sale items and brief rants.
Jude
I have finally come up with a name of a company to do business under: "Idle Hands." Following the old saying that "idles hands are the devil's playground," in other words, keep busy.
Something that I have learned quite a bit of while I have been healing. I could have been doing so much more with my hands. I have just been sitting on my ass. So in the pass couple of days, I have been looking for projects to do to sell. I need to make some money to fill the coffers. My coffers are getting lower and lower. I don't trust my roommate every time I send her out with my credit card. She always seems to lose the receipt, or comes home with two. What she forgets is that I see the bank statement. She spends more than she says.
So anyway, I think that this is my opportunity to come up with ideas for the "boss" so that we can make some money. I have seen a few ideas that I believe that I can reproduce. There is also going to the library to find additional books with patterns. There is a book in the local library, that I hope to check out and grab some ideas from it as well. I am starting to look through the books I have to find any ideas from them. I should start putting the books up for sale to get rid of the excess that I have. I need to start getting photos of everything that I have here ready for sale in July for the Christmas "rush". I just need to remember no international send outs, unless they pay for the shipping.
Well anyway this is the plan....
And soon this blog will turn into a combination of postings of stories, for sale items and brief rants.
Jude
Sunday, April 26, 2015
The Prancing Elites
There is a reality television show on the Oxygen Network about a bunch of guys called "The Prancing Elite." It is a show about a small group of gay guys who want to dance in cheerleading style in these spangled outfits. While I do applaud them for going out there and doing this. I am just a bit burnt out on most reality shows.
All issues on line seem to be black and white. You are either for or against. Unless you are Christian and then you must be the most fundamentalist rightest right wing Christian out there. You can not forgive or approach anyone with the hand of love. It is a matter of Christian duty to bash the head in of anyone who you do not approve of with your special scriptures.
So I jumped into the fray with my little comment on how I enjoyed the video and that it was fun. I get these responses of scripture quotation over and over. Nothing of love and meeting a person where they are as much as lets beat them in their heads. Might be a tad over dramatic, but it is close to what they do. I responded that they are using scripture as a weapon that they don't know how to use. I suppose that I should counter with the same hate, but they wouldn't get it.
Sigh...
So this past weekend has been one of loneliness. Even though Roxane is here, and , God bless her for it. What I am really missing is the touch of someone. Not just someone being here, but someone who is going to come up close, sit next to me. Put their arm around me and let me know that I am a valued human. I was born from the generation were warm affection is giving and receiving of a firm handshake. Anything more than that was just not done and baffling.
I love my dog Shane. He is a protective hell hound. When I take a nap or I am sick, he is right here next to me for the full time. Some call it co-dependency. I call it love.
All issues on line seem to be black and white. You are either for or against. Unless you are Christian and then you must be the most fundamentalist rightest right wing Christian out there. You can not forgive or approach anyone with the hand of love. It is a matter of Christian duty to bash the head in of anyone who you do not approve of with your special scriptures.
So I jumped into the fray with my little comment on how I enjoyed the video and that it was fun. I get these responses of scripture quotation over and over. Nothing of love and meeting a person where they are as much as lets beat them in their heads. Might be a tad over dramatic, but it is close to what they do. I responded that they are using scripture as a weapon that they don't know how to use. I suppose that I should counter with the same hate, but they wouldn't get it.
Sigh...
So this past weekend has been one of loneliness. Even though Roxane is here, and , God bless her for it. What I am really missing is the touch of someone. Not just someone being here, but someone who is going to come up close, sit next to me. Put their arm around me and let me know that I am a valued human. I was born from the generation were warm affection is giving and receiving of a firm handshake. Anything more than that was just not done and baffling.
I love my dog Shane. He is a protective hell hound. When I take a nap or I am sick, he is right here next to me for the full time. Some call it co-dependency. I call it love.
Thursday, April 23, 2015
Waxing.... emotional responses
To be sure, I am an angry person. Some of it has to come with the way I interpreted instructions as a child. Others to how I have had people respond to any given situation. There are a few tools in my kit that have become very important and have grown to relay upon them.
One of them is being patient, patience is a practiced skill. It is not a gift that one is born with as a virtue. It is a hard fought for skill that gets imparted to others as a gift. Another is listening. Again another fought for practiced skill that gets imparted to others as a gift. So over all it helps me to cultivate a laid back, can ride the waves through a storm type of guy. Layer upon it, some reasonable intelligence and a true gift of being creative and being able to think things through.... but that might be a practiced skill vs. a gift.
Before I dig this entry too deep, and get to the insulting and hurtful parts. I am surrounded by so many people who I love and they love me in return! There is my direct family, my son, my extended family through my ex-wife, a small handful of people who I call my best friends in the world. People who if I got a call to help bury a body. I would be there to remove any finger prints, bring the lye to help with the decomp and shovels. No questions asked. These people mean so much to me. If you are reading this, you know who you are! Thank you for loving me so.
Growing up, something that has reared its ugly head from time to time has been when someone is telling a story about something. This story gets interrupted by the listener with a story of their own. The story kind of relates, but what is unintentionally happening is that the listener is putting down and belittling the story teller with their own story. The unintentional part is that they are wanting to share something to connect, instead of shutting up or reducing their story to a footnote of connection. Sometimes instead of a story it is unwanted advice.
There is a list of things that have happened over the course of my little lifetime. Some are things that I have allowed to happen. Some happened because I was the dutiful son/friend/blah, blah, blah. Some happen because what is never realized is that there was a choice to make. Yes, the choice was made out of love, but even out of the love the decision can go against the person. Anytime a request that starts..."It's for the good of the: family, relationship,... whatever." The answer now is an automatic knee jerk NO. Because what it means in reality is only good for the person stating that sentence. Anger and hurt builds over time. The truth comes out only when it is convenient for that other person.
The past two years have been to say the least a roller coaster of emotions. The diagnosis of colon cancer, treatment and cure. Then in dying of liver cancer all within nine month of a loved father in law. Dealing with the deep emotional grief that occurred and not being able to express my own. The hospitalization of another family member and learning that she has MRSA. The fear of having the house taken away by the mortgage company. My testicular cancer and going through "cancer" a second time in the same house, almost on the same time line. Then again 9 months later moving down to Florida and a month into living here break my ankle.
It is funny. Getting called clumsy hurts. Yes, I was clumsy, slipped and had an accident. I am the one in bed with my legs up on pillows unable to walk so you can make a funny. I let it ride, because it comes from a pure place. I am just grumpy and in pain, also the ones making the joke are loved ones who have severe bone issues ever more so than just a couple of broken bones.
When the diagnosis of testicular cancer was officially made, one request I had was to not say anything to anyone for a couple of days. There was a need to be quiet and absorb. Not less than 24 hour was a phone call full of advice from a woman who is family. I had to stop her in the middle of her diagnostic skills to say that 'I am following what the oncologist says'. In my head, all that is going through the brain is when did you get your MD? When did you continue on to become an oncologist? You can barely take care of yourself! Again it is anger and frustration talking.
It took many years to realize where the anger comes from in my life. It grew out of not having my opinions respected enough to be heard. It grew out of being told to shut up and not rock the boat. It grew out of being wanted. Growing up the best emotional response one would get is a firm handshake.
Anger left unexpressed does grow. It becomes hurtful not only to the person listening, but also to the person who is holding it. The best enemy of anger is active love and compassion. Holding on to that angry child with both arms until the anger and the crying stops. Telling that child that you love them, over and over again until they actually hear and feel it. That child could be 85 years old and still needs to be held and loved.
I am hoping for it to not be so, but I think that I will always be that angry person. When I have a hurt it is an out of place emotional response. The swearing flies frequently and often. Maybe some day there will be someone in my life who will just come and hold me. When something bad happens, there is a grab for my hand to stop the knee jerk reaction. I am told under no uncertain terms that I am loved. The one who will let me rant and rave until it is all out and can once again speak like a normal and calm person.
Ahh... but falling in love with this magical man is a story for another day.
Jude
One of them is being patient, patience is a practiced skill. It is not a gift that one is born with as a virtue. It is a hard fought for skill that gets imparted to others as a gift. Another is listening. Again another fought for practiced skill that gets imparted to others as a gift. So over all it helps me to cultivate a laid back, can ride the waves through a storm type of guy. Layer upon it, some reasonable intelligence and a true gift of being creative and being able to think things through.... but that might be a practiced skill vs. a gift.
Before I dig this entry too deep, and get to the insulting and hurtful parts. I am surrounded by so many people who I love and they love me in return! There is my direct family, my son, my extended family through my ex-wife, a small handful of people who I call my best friends in the world. People who if I got a call to help bury a body. I would be there to remove any finger prints, bring the lye to help with the decomp and shovels. No questions asked. These people mean so much to me. If you are reading this, you know who you are! Thank you for loving me so.
Growing up, something that has reared its ugly head from time to time has been when someone is telling a story about something. This story gets interrupted by the listener with a story of their own. The story kind of relates, but what is unintentionally happening is that the listener is putting down and belittling the story teller with their own story. The unintentional part is that they are wanting to share something to connect, instead of shutting up or reducing their story to a footnote of connection. Sometimes instead of a story it is unwanted advice.
There is a list of things that have happened over the course of my little lifetime. Some are things that I have allowed to happen. Some happened because I was the dutiful son/friend/blah, blah, blah. Some happen because what is never realized is that there was a choice to make. Yes, the choice was made out of love, but even out of the love the decision can go against the person. Anytime a request that starts..."It's for the good of the: family, relationship,... whatever." The answer now is an automatic knee jerk NO. Because what it means in reality is only good for the person stating that sentence. Anger and hurt builds over time. The truth comes out only when it is convenient for that other person.
The past two years have been to say the least a roller coaster of emotions. The diagnosis of colon cancer, treatment and cure. Then in dying of liver cancer all within nine month of a loved father in law. Dealing with the deep emotional grief that occurred and not being able to express my own. The hospitalization of another family member and learning that she has MRSA. The fear of having the house taken away by the mortgage company. My testicular cancer and going through "cancer" a second time in the same house, almost on the same time line. Then again 9 months later moving down to Florida and a month into living here break my ankle.
It is funny. Getting called clumsy hurts. Yes, I was clumsy, slipped and had an accident. I am the one in bed with my legs up on pillows unable to walk so you can make a funny. I let it ride, because it comes from a pure place. I am just grumpy and in pain, also the ones making the joke are loved ones who have severe bone issues ever more so than just a couple of broken bones.
When the diagnosis of testicular cancer was officially made, one request I had was to not say anything to anyone for a couple of days. There was a need to be quiet and absorb. Not less than 24 hour was a phone call full of advice from a woman who is family. I had to stop her in the middle of her diagnostic skills to say that 'I am following what the oncologist says'. In my head, all that is going through the brain is when did you get your MD? When did you continue on to become an oncologist? You can barely take care of yourself! Again it is anger and frustration talking.
It took many years to realize where the anger comes from in my life. It grew out of not having my opinions respected enough to be heard. It grew out of being told to shut up and not rock the boat. It grew out of being wanted. Growing up the best emotional response one would get is a firm handshake.
Anger left unexpressed does grow. It becomes hurtful not only to the person listening, but also to the person who is holding it. The best enemy of anger is active love and compassion. Holding on to that angry child with both arms until the anger and the crying stops. Telling that child that you love them, over and over again until they actually hear and feel it. That child could be 85 years old and still needs to be held and loved.
I am hoping for it to not be so, but I think that I will always be that angry person. When I have a hurt it is an out of place emotional response. The swearing flies frequently and often. Maybe some day there will be someone in my life who will just come and hold me. When something bad happens, there is a grab for my hand to stop the knee jerk reaction. I am told under no uncertain terms that I am loved. The one who will let me rant and rave until it is all out and can once again speak like a normal and calm person.
Ahh... but falling in love with this magical man is a story for another day.
Jude
Wednesday, April 22, 2015
A non -productive day... kind of
Well today ends up being a non-productive day. There were a couple of things done, calls to two possible jobs. One is full time in a hospital and pays more and the other is retail and pays a lot less. Yes, of course, I am praying for the full time one at the hospital.
THEN
I moved from the couch to the bed. Once in bed, I pretty much promptly fell asleep. I know why, last night I was up until about 12midnight. Today I woke up just before 5AM.... drug alarm. It is less than the 7 hours I need. It's all good, I am still within my first two weeks of recovery, being day nine.
Yesterday, Tuesday April 22nd, I went in to see my doctor. The stitches came out! It was a bit painful. Not as much as the broken ankle, but still enough. The scissors needed to dig underneath the thread to pull it up to cut it. Being that there is also crusted blood and they are nice and tight, it is a bit of looking away and not paying attention. Well at least for me, I'm the guy who can't watch surgery shows during the specific time when the surgeon is actually cutting into the body. Before and After, I am peachy! I think that it was the one plastic surgery show I saw were the doctor had one knee on the table and was digging the suction tub all over the person's belly. Yep, just grossed me out.
Moving on..... So the photo is of one side of my ankle with steri-strips. They are there to keep the incision site closed. One side is wonderful and looks to be fully closed. The other (pictured) still has some more healing to do. I found out yesterday when I took a shower. The strips get wet and clear-ish. The one side with the plate has no blood. The other side does... the one in the photo. It is still all good, just a part of the healing process. I was told that once they fall off - on their own without any help from me - I will be able to soak my foot. There is a plan to visit the hot tub and site my happy butt there with my foot dangling in the jet.
One of the other happy things that has happened is that the swelling on my foot has finally gone down quite a bit. It doesn't feel like I am wearing some sort of donut casing, and all I can move are more toes. It is still swollen a bit, but progress and healing. I need to work on massaging my foot with a combination of foot rubbing and tapping to keep the circulation moving. A recommendation by a massage therapist friend and.... look it up on You Tube for better directions. The only things that are not on You Tube flips over to porn sites.
I have a new drug! Whoohoo! I have been on Tylenol with codeine and one of the big side effects is doziness. I have been given another drug Tramadol and on the list of possible side effect is trouble sleeping. Oh the joy... from one to the other. Both have a nasty list of side effects. One of the bad things about Tylenol with codeine is that is addictive. It does take care of the pain, but it will also bring it back as a ghost pain so that you take more drugs. Well, it is certainly not my idea of a happy high. Now there are brief moments that I miss living in Boulder CO or Seattle WA. States where marijuana use is legal. I could use a couple of brownies! LOL! Again, not something that I need either!
On a couple of other topics: vision boards and fleas
Well the bad news:
My dog has fleas. I bought a $60 anti-flea product at Wal-Mart. I should have known better than to have gone to Wal-Mart. I believe that they stay away from the area, but they are all over the rest of him. I am grateful that he is not so infested that they could carry him off. Yet, it is not just having him de-flea'd. It is a matter now of cleaning the house. Vacuuming and spraying bug spray everywhere. With the ankle as it is, and non-weight bearing still. I am just going to have to keep praying and spend time massaging conditioner into his hair and skin to combat them. My thought is that if I can get the nasty critters covers in conditioner, their lungs will be sealed and they will die. The problem with fleas is that they leave eggs everywhere and it takes weeks to break the cycle. Living here in Florida (yes fleas are everywhere) there is no break of the seasons.
As to not liking Wal-Mart, to keep their prices low. They will insist on the companies they deal with to make an inferior product than is sold elsewhere. Socks will be thinner. Pants will have shorter pockets. Colors will bleed out in the first wash. I know that Wal-Mart provides a place of low cost food and goods. Unfortunately, these low costs come at a price. Rant ended.
Vision Boards!
A dear sweet angel of a friend called me the other day to ask all sorts of question about "WTF happened to you? I saw the photos on Facebook!" Of the back and forth, one of the things discussed was her vision board. Now vision boards are not anything Hocus Pocus, even though the results may seem like it. Do you remember the slogan "Keep Your Eyes On the Prize!"?? This is putting the prize physically in front of you. It is something of getting some cardboard and sticking to it everything you would like to happen, accomplish, manifest even if you think that it is impossible. My friend the angel spoke of several things that she put up on her board. There was a conference that she wanted to go to but didn't have the money; a bonus at work; personal healing; and there were more of a personal nature.
This so inspired me as she was telling me of the things that have happened and have come into being. I have decided to create my own vision board. Right now it is on a drawing pad. I need to get out of the house or look around here to see if I have any cardboard. It is something so very simple. It becomes a part of one's daily prayers and a focus point of things to do and get accomplished. Some can be projects, others can just be that wish upon a star. One of my personal wishes is to be financially stable to be able to take trips and still work from where ever I am. Which is a part of the over of needing and wanting my own business.
Well enough for today, I hope that your day is a good one!
Friday, April 17, 2015
OK, so today a couple of things happened, one expected and one unexpected.
The expected thing was going to the doctor's office, and getting to see my stiches. They will be coming out next Tuesday. One of the joyous revelations is that I do not need to wear the boot all the time. It is there more for protection than anything else. The ace bandage is there to hold everything together. So as long as I am not doing anything, I can sleep, eat, and watch tv or Netflix with my foot up and out of the boot! I can get a job, just wear the boot, no bearing any weight and I am all good. I am going to practice using a can to get around so that I don't have to have either the crutches or the walker. A cane is more acceptable in public - to ME! But, it will take some practice to get the cadence correct.
The other unexpected surprise was being contacted by a gentleman who I haven't heard from since about October 2014. We had a falling out over a difference of opinion, and I am holding to a complete misunderstanding of each other. Conversations that should have happened in person, happened by email and text message. Neither are good outlets to discuss something that requires arm movements and tone of voice, also the more important stopping the conversation to get what was just immediately state understood clearly.
Well anyway, this gentleman contacted me again and asked me how I was. He sent the text last night and the phone got it about 10PM ish.... I saw it after midnight with a drug wake up call.
I took my first bath today after four days of non-bathing and just soaking in the pain. I got up washed and put on a pair of shorts. Without the belt they fall off my hips! I was a happy camper all tied up in a pair of shorts. I am going to have to try another pair. When I weighed myself today I was at 226 ish (the number kept bouncing between 225.4 and 225.8 - so this guy rounds up). I am very happy to be on my way to getting below 200, just 27 more pounds to go!
About the weight loss, this is for my own physical health and my longevity. Getting up close to 300 pounds I was pre-diabetic and had sleep apnea. I lost weight and got down to 250. I could put away the sleep apnea machine. When I was diagnosed with testicular cancer, the pre-diabetic diagnosis was still there. So it is not just a matter of losing weight, but eating correctly and getting the extra sugar producing elements in my diet out of the way. Having a family history of heart attack, cancer and stroke does not make for a happy future if one is going to just blunder ahead blindly.
It is past time for life changes, because if I don't with my current history life is going to force some changes on me!
Thursday, April 16, 2015
Thursday or day three since the accident.
So day three since the accident, and I have been briefed that it may be another two more months on my ass before I can do anything, just a world of excitement!
I have given up on calling the doctor's office to get any information. They just never respond. I don't know what is the issue with the office, but the doctor is going to hear about it. My appointment is on Friday morning at 9AM.
I might see about going to church on Sunday, all depending on what the doctor says. My biggest concern is if I can work. If I can not work, then I need to apply for unemployment and temporary disability.
One "big" thing have come across my Facebook today. One is about a mechanic in Michigan who believes that it is his moral and religious right to deny service to anyone who he believes is gay or lesbian. He will even not put their cars back together correctly if they push him to repair it. He has opened himself to a lawsuit of intention of murder.
Then there are my Republican friends who are reposting other Fox News statements that they feel are wonderful! The thing about it, is when you go and read the article, it is a bunch of crap. The article itself has very little to say from the person they are suppose to be quoting. It has more to say by the author of the article as he/she goes through a rant and provide their answers. It would be great if everything was as black and white as the authors would like us to believe. The problem is that they are putting in opinion instead of the truth. Unfortunately, truth in reporting is not a Fox News strong suit. Opinions are their strong suit and not facts.`
But the same can be said for other stations like MSNBC.... they are more opinion television stations instead of news.
On the home front .... I was at Wal-Mart the other day and thought to bring home some ice cream. All the ice cream is low fat. All the ice cream except the expensive stuff like Ben and Jerry's. My problem with low fat ice cream is that they have to make up for the fat flavor with something else, either chemicals or more sugar. The more sugar is not good for the body. My personal problem with Ben and Jerry's is that I can't just eat a few bites and put it away. It has to be the whole pint. There are so many calories in the pint, I might as well have eaten a gallon of ice cream!
I have given up on calling the doctor's office to get any information. They just never respond. I don't know what is the issue with the office, but the doctor is going to hear about it. My appointment is on Friday morning at 9AM.
I might see about going to church on Sunday, all depending on what the doctor says. My biggest concern is if I can work. If I can not work, then I need to apply for unemployment and temporary disability.
One "big" thing have come across my Facebook today. One is about a mechanic in Michigan who believes that it is his moral and religious right to deny service to anyone who he believes is gay or lesbian. He will even not put their cars back together correctly if they push him to repair it. He has opened himself to a lawsuit of intention of murder.
Then there are my Republican friends who are reposting other Fox News statements that they feel are wonderful! The thing about it, is when you go and read the article, it is a bunch of crap. The article itself has very little to say from the person they are suppose to be quoting. It has more to say by the author of the article as he/she goes through a rant and provide their answers. It would be great if everything was as black and white as the authors would like us to believe. The problem is that they are putting in opinion instead of the truth. Unfortunately, truth in reporting is not a Fox News strong suit. Opinions are their strong suit and not facts.`
But the same can be said for other stations like MSNBC.... they are more opinion television stations instead of news.
On the home front .... I was at Wal-Mart the other day and thought to bring home some ice cream. All the ice cream is low fat. All the ice cream except the expensive stuff like Ben and Jerry's. My problem with low fat ice cream is that they have to make up for the fat flavor with something else, either chemicals or more sugar. The more sugar is not good for the body. My personal problem with Ben and Jerry's is that I can't just eat a few bites and put it away. It has to be the whole pint. There are so many calories in the pint, I might as well have eaten a gallon of ice cream!
Wednesday, April 15, 2015
I broke my ankle
I haven't used this blog in a long time. Maybe it is past time that I start getting my thoughts out there.
Well on Monday April 13th, 2015, it was a rainy day. I was going out the front door of my home and slipped on the wet tile. I went down hard. Everything hurt.... well of course 230 pound just slamming into the ground. Roxane called 911. This was about 2PM-ish. I went into surgery at 10PM. I turned out that I broke my left ankle in two places. The left side that has the bone part that sticks out to make "the ankle" had broken off entirely and now has two screws. The right side splintered and the very tip of the splinter was broken off. This side received a plate and four screws.
When I woke up from the anesthesia, I had a very hard time remembering what had happened and where I was. I had a very, very vivid dream that I was going somewhere. Hiking somewhere or flying somewhere. I needed to get new shoes for this trip. I didn't know where I was or what had happened. It was a fight to bring myself back to reality.
Released from the hospital on Tuesday morning. Spent the day on the couch. Not a place that I would recommend to anyone to be the day after surgery.Roxane took her time before she decided to leave to go to the Walgreen's to fill my prescription. I had fallen out of the coverage of the medication that I was on from the hospital. The pain had returned, by the time she returned. I was back and forth to the bathroom so many times. I think that I made my ankle to swell. She also had forgotten the aspirin and the prunes. Aspirin to help thin my blood and prevent clots. Prunes to help with bowel movements because all I am doing is sitting/laying down all day/night long. According to instructions, this is what needs to happen for the first three days....nothing.
Oh gawd, all I want to do is to complain and gripe. I broke my ankle. I would like some attention, and not just digital attention! Everyone is sending me their love, but it all comes digitally. So I don't feel the warmth. Roxane is very limited in what she can do, but to make me feel better she is always comparing what I am going through with her situation and how much worse she has it. "Now you know what I am going through." over and over again is not encouragement.
Yes she does have it worse than I do. When I had testicular cancer, I didn't decide to gain 50 pounds to help me feel better. Roxane has a hereditary condition where the bones in her feet are brittle and easily break. Her response to this is to weight over 350 pounds on her 5'4" frame. I will only be in a boot for six months maybe less, and in the mean time still work to lose the extra weight that I have to help my body be come healthier. I need to get down to a 32" waist.
BUT, she is here and without her. I would be the one getting my medication by walking 10 blocks to Walgreens in a pair of crutches. So yes, I do know that everything could be a lot worse than it is. I still just want to bitch, whine, complain and have someone just take my side for a few minutes sit next to me. Put their arm around me and hold me until I feel better.
OK .... so on to other projects and problems and changing my life.
Jude
Well on Monday April 13th, 2015, it was a rainy day. I was going out the front door of my home and slipped on the wet tile. I went down hard. Everything hurt.... well of course 230 pound just slamming into the ground. Roxane called 911. This was about 2PM-ish. I went into surgery at 10PM. I turned out that I broke my left ankle in two places. The left side that has the bone part that sticks out to make "the ankle" had broken off entirely and now has two screws. The right side splintered and the very tip of the splinter was broken off. This side received a plate and four screws.
When I woke up from the anesthesia, I had a very hard time remembering what had happened and where I was. I had a very, very vivid dream that I was going somewhere. Hiking somewhere or flying somewhere. I needed to get new shoes for this trip. I didn't know where I was or what had happened. It was a fight to bring myself back to reality.
Released from the hospital on Tuesday morning. Spent the day on the couch. Not a place that I would recommend to anyone to be the day after surgery.Roxane took her time before she decided to leave to go to the Walgreen's to fill my prescription. I had fallen out of the coverage of the medication that I was on from the hospital. The pain had returned, by the time she returned. I was back and forth to the bathroom so many times. I think that I made my ankle to swell. She also had forgotten the aspirin and the prunes. Aspirin to help thin my blood and prevent clots. Prunes to help with bowel movements because all I am doing is sitting/laying down all day/night long. According to instructions, this is what needs to happen for the first three days....nothing.
Oh gawd, all I want to do is to complain and gripe. I broke my ankle. I would like some attention, and not just digital attention! Everyone is sending me their love, but it all comes digitally. So I don't feel the warmth. Roxane is very limited in what she can do, but to make me feel better she is always comparing what I am going through with her situation and how much worse she has it. "Now you know what I am going through." over and over again is not encouragement.
Yes she does have it worse than I do. When I had testicular cancer, I didn't decide to gain 50 pounds to help me feel better. Roxane has a hereditary condition where the bones in her feet are brittle and easily break. Her response to this is to weight over 350 pounds on her 5'4" frame. I will only be in a boot for six months maybe less, and in the mean time still work to lose the extra weight that I have to help my body be come healthier. I need to get down to a 32" waist.
BUT, she is here and without her. I would be the one getting my medication by walking 10 blocks to Walgreens in a pair of crutches. So yes, I do know that everything could be a lot worse than it is. I still just want to bitch, whine, complain and have someone just take my side for a few minutes sit next to me. Put their arm around me and hold me until I feel better.
OK .... so on to other projects and problems and changing my life.
Jude
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