There is a reality television show on the Oxygen Network about a bunch of guys called "The Prancing Elite." It is a show about a small group of gay guys who want to dance in cheerleading style in these spangled outfits. While I do applaud them for going out there and doing this. I am just a bit burnt out on most reality shows.
All issues on line seem to be black and white. You are either for or against. Unless you are Christian and then you must be the most fundamentalist rightest right wing Christian out there. You can not forgive or approach anyone with the hand of love. It is a matter of Christian duty to bash the head in of anyone who you do not approve of with your special scriptures.
So I jumped into the fray with my little comment on how I enjoyed the video and that it was fun. I get these responses of scripture quotation over and over. Nothing of love and meeting a person where they are as much as lets beat them in their heads. Might be a tad over dramatic, but it is close to what they do. I responded that they are using scripture as a weapon that they don't know how to use. I suppose that I should counter with the same hate, but they wouldn't get it.
Sigh...
So this past weekend has been one of loneliness. Even though Roxane is here, and , God bless her for it. What I am really missing is the touch of someone. Not just someone being here, but someone who is going to come up close, sit next to me. Put their arm around me and let me know that I am a valued human. I was born from the generation were warm affection is giving and receiving of a firm handshake. Anything more than that was just not done and baffling.
I love my dog Shane. He is a protective hell hound. When I take a nap or I am sick, he is right here next to me for the full time. Some call it co-dependency. I call it love.
What happens when the panic, a nervous break down and growing up meet at a dinner for coffee. Also... mainly for now.. to let everyone know what is going on in my head and how much I could not be doing this without them.
Sunday, April 26, 2015
Thursday, April 23, 2015
Waxing.... emotional responses
To be sure, I am an angry person. Some of it has to come with the way I interpreted instructions as a child. Others to how I have had people respond to any given situation. There are a few tools in my kit that have become very important and have grown to relay upon them.
One of them is being patient, patience is a practiced skill. It is not a gift that one is born with as a virtue. It is a hard fought for skill that gets imparted to others as a gift. Another is listening. Again another fought for practiced skill that gets imparted to others as a gift. So over all it helps me to cultivate a laid back, can ride the waves through a storm type of guy. Layer upon it, some reasonable intelligence and a true gift of being creative and being able to think things through.... but that might be a practiced skill vs. a gift.
Before I dig this entry too deep, and get to the insulting and hurtful parts. I am surrounded by so many people who I love and they love me in return! There is my direct family, my son, my extended family through my ex-wife, a small handful of people who I call my best friends in the world. People who if I got a call to help bury a body. I would be there to remove any finger prints, bring the lye to help with the decomp and shovels. No questions asked. These people mean so much to me. If you are reading this, you know who you are! Thank you for loving me so.
Growing up, something that has reared its ugly head from time to time has been when someone is telling a story about something. This story gets interrupted by the listener with a story of their own. The story kind of relates, but what is unintentionally happening is that the listener is putting down and belittling the story teller with their own story. The unintentional part is that they are wanting to share something to connect, instead of shutting up or reducing their story to a footnote of connection. Sometimes instead of a story it is unwanted advice.
There is a list of things that have happened over the course of my little lifetime. Some are things that I have allowed to happen. Some happened because I was the dutiful son/friend/blah, blah, blah. Some happen because what is never realized is that there was a choice to make. Yes, the choice was made out of love, but even out of the love the decision can go against the person. Anytime a request that starts..."It's for the good of the: family, relationship,... whatever." The answer now is an automatic knee jerk NO. Because what it means in reality is only good for the person stating that sentence. Anger and hurt builds over time. The truth comes out only when it is convenient for that other person.
The past two years have been to say the least a roller coaster of emotions. The diagnosis of colon cancer, treatment and cure. Then in dying of liver cancer all within nine month of a loved father in law. Dealing with the deep emotional grief that occurred and not being able to express my own. The hospitalization of another family member and learning that she has MRSA. The fear of having the house taken away by the mortgage company. My testicular cancer and going through "cancer" a second time in the same house, almost on the same time line. Then again 9 months later moving down to Florida and a month into living here break my ankle.
It is funny. Getting called clumsy hurts. Yes, I was clumsy, slipped and had an accident. I am the one in bed with my legs up on pillows unable to walk so you can make a funny. I let it ride, because it comes from a pure place. I am just grumpy and in pain, also the ones making the joke are loved ones who have severe bone issues ever more so than just a couple of broken bones.
When the diagnosis of testicular cancer was officially made, one request I had was to not say anything to anyone for a couple of days. There was a need to be quiet and absorb. Not less than 24 hour was a phone call full of advice from a woman who is family. I had to stop her in the middle of her diagnostic skills to say that 'I am following what the oncologist says'. In my head, all that is going through the brain is when did you get your MD? When did you continue on to become an oncologist? You can barely take care of yourself! Again it is anger and frustration talking.
It took many years to realize where the anger comes from in my life. It grew out of not having my opinions respected enough to be heard. It grew out of being told to shut up and not rock the boat. It grew out of being wanted. Growing up the best emotional response one would get is a firm handshake.
Anger left unexpressed does grow. It becomes hurtful not only to the person listening, but also to the person who is holding it. The best enemy of anger is active love and compassion. Holding on to that angry child with both arms until the anger and the crying stops. Telling that child that you love them, over and over again until they actually hear and feel it. That child could be 85 years old and still needs to be held and loved.
I am hoping for it to not be so, but I think that I will always be that angry person. When I have a hurt it is an out of place emotional response. The swearing flies frequently and often. Maybe some day there will be someone in my life who will just come and hold me. When something bad happens, there is a grab for my hand to stop the knee jerk reaction. I am told under no uncertain terms that I am loved. The one who will let me rant and rave until it is all out and can once again speak like a normal and calm person.
Ahh... but falling in love with this magical man is a story for another day.
Jude
One of them is being patient, patience is a practiced skill. It is not a gift that one is born with as a virtue. It is a hard fought for skill that gets imparted to others as a gift. Another is listening. Again another fought for practiced skill that gets imparted to others as a gift. So over all it helps me to cultivate a laid back, can ride the waves through a storm type of guy. Layer upon it, some reasonable intelligence and a true gift of being creative and being able to think things through.... but that might be a practiced skill vs. a gift.
Before I dig this entry too deep, and get to the insulting and hurtful parts. I am surrounded by so many people who I love and they love me in return! There is my direct family, my son, my extended family through my ex-wife, a small handful of people who I call my best friends in the world. People who if I got a call to help bury a body. I would be there to remove any finger prints, bring the lye to help with the decomp and shovels. No questions asked. These people mean so much to me. If you are reading this, you know who you are! Thank you for loving me so.
Growing up, something that has reared its ugly head from time to time has been when someone is telling a story about something. This story gets interrupted by the listener with a story of their own. The story kind of relates, but what is unintentionally happening is that the listener is putting down and belittling the story teller with their own story. The unintentional part is that they are wanting to share something to connect, instead of shutting up or reducing their story to a footnote of connection. Sometimes instead of a story it is unwanted advice.
There is a list of things that have happened over the course of my little lifetime. Some are things that I have allowed to happen. Some happened because I was the dutiful son/friend/blah, blah, blah. Some happen because what is never realized is that there was a choice to make. Yes, the choice was made out of love, but even out of the love the decision can go against the person. Anytime a request that starts..."It's for the good of the: family, relationship,... whatever." The answer now is an automatic knee jerk NO. Because what it means in reality is only good for the person stating that sentence. Anger and hurt builds over time. The truth comes out only when it is convenient for that other person.
The past two years have been to say the least a roller coaster of emotions. The diagnosis of colon cancer, treatment and cure. Then in dying of liver cancer all within nine month of a loved father in law. Dealing with the deep emotional grief that occurred and not being able to express my own. The hospitalization of another family member and learning that she has MRSA. The fear of having the house taken away by the mortgage company. My testicular cancer and going through "cancer" a second time in the same house, almost on the same time line. Then again 9 months later moving down to Florida and a month into living here break my ankle.
It is funny. Getting called clumsy hurts. Yes, I was clumsy, slipped and had an accident. I am the one in bed with my legs up on pillows unable to walk so you can make a funny. I let it ride, because it comes from a pure place. I am just grumpy and in pain, also the ones making the joke are loved ones who have severe bone issues ever more so than just a couple of broken bones.
When the diagnosis of testicular cancer was officially made, one request I had was to not say anything to anyone for a couple of days. There was a need to be quiet and absorb. Not less than 24 hour was a phone call full of advice from a woman who is family. I had to stop her in the middle of her diagnostic skills to say that 'I am following what the oncologist says'. In my head, all that is going through the brain is when did you get your MD? When did you continue on to become an oncologist? You can barely take care of yourself! Again it is anger and frustration talking.
It took many years to realize where the anger comes from in my life. It grew out of not having my opinions respected enough to be heard. It grew out of being told to shut up and not rock the boat. It grew out of being wanted. Growing up the best emotional response one would get is a firm handshake.
Anger left unexpressed does grow. It becomes hurtful not only to the person listening, but also to the person who is holding it. The best enemy of anger is active love and compassion. Holding on to that angry child with both arms until the anger and the crying stops. Telling that child that you love them, over and over again until they actually hear and feel it. That child could be 85 years old and still needs to be held and loved.
I am hoping for it to not be so, but I think that I will always be that angry person. When I have a hurt it is an out of place emotional response. The swearing flies frequently and often. Maybe some day there will be someone in my life who will just come and hold me. When something bad happens, there is a grab for my hand to stop the knee jerk reaction. I am told under no uncertain terms that I am loved. The one who will let me rant and rave until it is all out and can once again speak like a normal and calm person.
Ahh... but falling in love with this magical man is a story for another day.
Jude
Wednesday, April 22, 2015
A non -productive day... kind of
Well today ends up being a non-productive day. There were a couple of things done, calls to two possible jobs. One is full time in a hospital and pays more and the other is retail and pays a lot less. Yes, of course, I am praying for the full time one at the hospital.
THEN
I moved from the couch to the bed. Once in bed, I pretty much promptly fell asleep. I know why, last night I was up until about 12midnight. Today I woke up just before 5AM.... drug alarm. It is less than the 7 hours I need. It's all good, I am still within my first two weeks of recovery, being day nine.
Yesterday, Tuesday April 22nd, I went in to see my doctor. The stitches came out! It was a bit painful. Not as much as the broken ankle, but still enough. The scissors needed to dig underneath the thread to pull it up to cut it. Being that there is also crusted blood and they are nice and tight, it is a bit of looking away and not paying attention. Well at least for me, I'm the guy who can't watch surgery shows during the specific time when the surgeon is actually cutting into the body. Before and After, I am peachy! I think that it was the one plastic surgery show I saw were the doctor had one knee on the table and was digging the suction tub all over the person's belly. Yep, just grossed me out.
Moving on..... So the photo is of one side of my ankle with steri-strips. They are there to keep the incision site closed. One side is wonderful and looks to be fully closed. The other (pictured) still has some more healing to do. I found out yesterday when I took a shower. The strips get wet and clear-ish. The one side with the plate has no blood. The other side does... the one in the photo. It is still all good, just a part of the healing process. I was told that once they fall off - on their own without any help from me - I will be able to soak my foot. There is a plan to visit the hot tub and site my happy butt there with my foot dangling in the jet.
One of the other happy things that has happened is that the swelling on my foot has finally gone down quite a bit. It doesn't feel like I am wearing some sort of donut casing, and all I can move are more toes. It is still swollen a bit, but progress and healing. I need to work on massaging my foot with a combination of foot rubbing and tapping to keep the circulation moving. A recommendation by a massage therapist friend and.... look it up on You Tube for better directions. The only things that are not on You Tube flips over to porn sites.
I have a new drug! Whoohoo! I have been on Tylenol with codeine and one of the big side effects is doziness. I have been given another drug Tramadol and on the list of possible side effect is trouble sleeping. Oh the joy... from one to the other. Both have a nasty list of side effects. One of the bad things about Tylenol with codeine is that is addictive. It does take care of the pain, but it will also bring it back as a ghost pain so that you take more drugs. Well, it is certainly not my idea of a happy high. Now there are brief moments that I miss living in Boulder CO or Seattle WA. States where marijuana use is legal. I could use a couple of brownies! LOL! Again, not something that I need either!
On a couple of other topics: vision boards and fleas
Well the bad news:
My dog has fleas. I bought a $60 anti-flea product at Wal-Mart. I should have known better than to have gone to Wal-Mart. I believe that they stay away from the area, but they are all over the rest of him. I am grateful that he is not so infested that they could carry him off. Yet, it is not just having him de-flea'd. It is a matter now of cleaning the house. Vacuuming and spraying bug spray everywhere. With the ankle as it is, and non-weight bearing still. I am just going to have to keep praying and spend time massaging conditioner into his hair and skin to combat them. My thought is that if I can get the nasty critters covers in conditioner, their lungs will be sealed and they will die. The problem with fleas is that they leave eggs everywhere and it takes weeks to break the cycle. Living here in Florida (yes fleas are everywhere) there is no break of the seasons.
As to not liking Wal-Mart, to keep their prices low. They will insist on the companies they deal with to make an inferior product than is sold elsewhere. Socks will be thinner. Pants will have shorter pockets. Colors will bleed out in the first wash. I know that Wal-Mart provides a place of low cost food and goods. Unfortunately, these low costs come at a price. Rant ended.
Vision Boards!
A dear sweet angel of a friend called me the other day to ask all sorts of question about "WTF happened to you? I saw the photos on Facebook!" Of the back and forth, one of the things discussed was her vision board. Now vision boards are not anything Hocus Pocus, even though the results may seem like it. Do you remember the slogan "Keep Your Eyes On the Prize!"?? This is putting the prize physically in front of you. It is something of getting some cardboard and sticking to it everything you would like to happen, accomplish, manifest even if you think that it is impossible. My friend the angel spoke of several things that she put up on her board. There was a conference that she wanted to go to but didn't have the money; a bonus at work; personal healing; and there were more of a personal nature.
This so inspired me as she was telling me of the things that have happened and have come into being. I have decided to create my own vision board. Right now it is on a drawing pad. I need to get out of the house or look around here to see if I have any cardboard. It is something so very simple. It becomes a part of one's daily prayers and a focus point of things to do and get accomplished. Some can be projects, others can just be that wish upon a star. One of my personal wishes is to be financially stable to be able to take trips and still work from where ever I am. Which is a part of the over of needing and wanting my own business.
Well enough for today, I hope that your day is a good one!
Friday, April 17, 2015
OK, so today a couple of things happened, one expected and one unexpected.
The expected thing was going to the doctor's office, and getting to see my stiches. They will be coming out next Tuesday. One of the joyous revelations is that I do not need to wear the boot all the time. It is there more for protection than anything else. The ace bandage is there to hold everything together. So as long as I am not doing anything, I can sleep, eat, and watch tv or Netflix with my foot up and out of the boot! I can get a job, just wear the boot, no bearing any weight and I am all good. I am going to practice using a can to get around so that I don't have to have either the crutches or the walker. A cane is more acceptable in public - to ME! But, it will take some practice to get the cadence correct.
The other unexpected surprise was being contacted by a gentleman who I haven't heard from since about October 2014. We had a falling out over a difference of opinion, and I am holding to a complete misunderstanding of each other. Conversations that should have happened in person, happened by email and text message. Neither are good outlets to discuss something that requires arm movements and tone of voice, also the more important stopping the conversation to get what was just immediately state understood clearly.
Well anyway, this gentleman contacted me again and asked me how I was. He sent the text last night and the phone got it about 10PM ish.... I saw it after midnight with a drug wake up call.
I took my first bath today after four days of non-bathing and just soaking in the pain. I got up washed and put on a pair of shorts. Without the belt they fall off my hips! I was a happy camper all tied up in a pair of shorts. I am going to have to try another pair. When I weighed myself today I was at 226 ish (the number kept bouncing between 225.4 and 225.8 - so this guy rounds up). I am very happy to be on my way to getting below 200, just 27 more pounds to go!
About the weight loss, this is for my own physical health and my longevity. Getting up close to 300 pounds I was pre-diabetic and had sleep apnea. I lost weight and got down to 250. I could put away the sleep apnea machine. When I was diagnosed with testicular cancer, the pre-diabetic diagnosis was still there. So it is not just a matter of losing weight, but eating correctly and getting the extra sugar producing elements in my diet out of the way. Having a family history of heart attack, cancer and stroke does not make for a happy future if one is going to just blunder ahead blindly.
It is past time for life changes, because if I don't with my current history life is going to force some changes on me!
Thursday, April 16, 2015
Thursday or day three since the accident.
So day three since the accident, and I have been briefed that it may be another two more months on my ass before I can do anything, just a world of excitement!
I have given up on calling the doctor's office to get any information. They just never respond. I don't know what is the issue with the office, but the doctor is going to hear about it. My appointment is on Friday morning at 9AM.
I might see about going to church on Sunday, all depending on what the doctor says. My biggest concern is if I can work. If I can not work, then I need to apply for unemployment and temporary disability.
One "big" thing have come across my Facebook today. One is about a mechanic in Michigan who believes that it is his moral and religious right to deny service to anyone who he believes is gay or lesbian. He will even not put their cars back together correctly if they push him to repair it. He has opened himself to a lawsuit of intention of murder.
Then there are my Republican friends who are reposting other Fox News statements that they feel are wonderful! The thing about it, is when you go and read the article, it is a bunch of crap. The article itself has very little to say from the person they are suppose to be quoting. It has more to say by the author of the article as he/she goes through a rant and provide their answers. It would be great if everything was as black and white as the authors would like us to believe. The problem is that they are putting in opinion instead of the truth. Unfortunately, truth in reporting is not a Fox News strong suit. Opinions are their strong suit and not facts.`
But the same can be said for other stations like MSNBC.... they are more opinion television stations instead of news.
On the home front .... I was at Wal-Mart the other day and thought to bring home some ice cream. All the ice cream is low fat. All the ice cream except the expensive stuff like Ben and Jerry's. My problem with low fat ice cream is that they have to make up for the fat flavor with something else, either chemicals or more sugar. The more sugar is not good for the body. My personal problem with Ben and Jerry's is that I can't just eat a few bites and put it away. It has to be the whole pint. There are so many calories in the pint, I might as well have eaten a gallon of ice cream!
I have given up on calling the doctor's office to get any information. They just never respond. I don't know what is the issue with the office, but the doctor is going to hear about it. My appointment is on Friday morning at 9AM.
I might see about going to church on Sunday, all depending on what the doctor says. My biggest concern is if I can work. If I can not work, then I need to apply for unemployment and temporary disability.
One "big" thing have come across my Facebook today. One is about a mechanic in Michigan who believes that it is his moral and religious right to deny service to anyone who he believes is gay or lesbian. He will even not put their cars back together correctly if they push him to repair it. He has opened himself to a lawsuit of intention of murder.
Then there are my Republican friends who are reposting other Fox News statements that they feel are wonderful! The thing about it, is when you go and read the article, it is a bunch of crap. The article itself has very little to say from the person they are suppose to be quoting. It has more to say by the author of the article as he/she goes through a rant and provide their answers. It would be great if everything was as black and white as the authors would like us to believe. The problem is that they are putting in opinion instead of the truth. Unfortunately, truth in reporting is not a Fox News strong suit. Opinions are their strong suit and not facts.`
But the same can be said for other stations like MSNBC.... they are more opinion television stations instead of news.
On the home front .... I was at Wal-Mart the other day and thought to bring home some ice cream. All the ice cream is low fat. All the ice cream except the expensive stuff like Ben and Jerry's. My problem with low fat ice cream is that they have to make up for the fat flavor with something else, either chemicals or more sugar. The more sugar is not good for the body. My personal problem with Ben and Jerry's is that I can't just eat a few bites and put it away. It has to be the whole pint. There are so many calories in the pint, I might as well have eaten a gallon of ice cream!
Wednesday, April 15, 2015
I broke my ankle
I haven't used this blog in a long time. Maybe it is past time that I start getting my thoughts out there.
Well on Monday April 13th, 2015, it was a rainy day. I was going out the front door of my home and slipped on the wet tile. I went down hard. Everything hurt.... well of course 230 pound just slamming into the ground. Roxane called 911. This was about 2PM-ish. I went into surgery at 10PM. I turned out that I broke my left ankle in two places. The left side that has the bone part that sticks out to make "the ankle" had broken off entirely and now has two screws. The right side splintered and the very tip of the splinter was broken off. This side received a plate and four screws.
When I woke up from the anesthesia, I had a very hard time remembering what had happened and where I was. I had a very, very vivid dream that I was going somewhere. Hiking somewhere or flying somewhere. I needed to get new shoes for this trip. I didn't know where I was or what had happened. It was a fight to bring myself back to reality.
Released from the hospital on Tuesday morning. Spent the day on the couch. Not a place that I would recommend to anyone to be the day after surgery.Roxane took her time before she decided to leave to go to the Walgreen's to fill my prescription. I had fallen out of the coverage of the medication that I was on from the hospital. The pain had returned, by the time she returned. I was back and forth to the bathroom so many times. I think that I made my ankle to swell. She also had forgotten the aspirin and the prunes. Aspirin to help thin my blood and prevent clots. Prunes to help with bowel movements because all I am doing is sitting/laying down all day/night long. According to instructions, this is what needs to happen for the first three days....nothing.
Oh gawd, all I want to do is to complain and gripe. I broke my ankle. I would like some attention, and not just digital attention! Everyone is sending me their love, but it all comes digitally. So I don't feel the warmth. Roxane is very limited in what she can do, but to make me feel better she is always comparing what I am going through with her situation and how much worse she has it. "Now you know what I am going through." over and over again is not encouragement.
Yes she does have it worse than I do. When I had testicular cancer, I didn't decide to gain 50 pounds to help me feel better. Roxane has a hereditary condition where the bones in her feet are brittle and easily break. Her response to this is to weight over 350 pounds on her 5'4" frame. I will only be in a boot for six months maybe less, and in the mean time still work to lose the extra weight that I have to help my body be come healthier. I need to get down to a 32" waist.
BUT, she is here and without her. I would be the one getting my medication by walking 10 blocks to Walgreens in a pair of crutches. So yes, I do know that everything could be a lot worse than it is. I still just want to bitch, whine, complain and have someone just take my side for a few minutes sit next to me. Put their arm around me and hold me until I feel better.
OK .... so on to other projects and problems and changing my life.
Jude
Well on Monday April 13th, 2015, it was a rainy day. I was going out the front door of my home and slipped on the wet tile. I went down hard. Everything hurt.... well of course 230 pound just slamming into the ground. Roxane called 911. This was about 2PM-ish. I went into surgery at 10PM. I turned out that I broke my left ankle in two places. The left side that has the bone part that sticks out to make "the ankle" had broken off entirely and now has two screws. The right side splintered and the very tip of the splinter was broken off. This side received a plate and four screws.
When I woke up from the anesthesia, I had a very hard time remembering what had happened and where I was. I had a very, very vivid dream that I was going somewhere. Hiking somewhere or flying somewhere. I needed to get new shoes for this trip. I didn't know where I was or what had happened. It was a fight to bring myself back to reality.
Released from the hospital on Tuesday morning. Spent the day on the couch. Not a place that I would recommend to anyone to be the day after surgery.Roxane took her time before she decided to leave to go to the Walgreen's to fill my prescription. I had fallen out of the coverage of the medication that I was on from the hospital. The pain had returned, by the time she returned. I was back and forth to the bathroom so many times. I think that I made my ankle to swell. She also had forgotten the aspirin and the prunes. Aspirin to help thin my blood and prevent clots. Prunes to help with bowel movements because all I am doing is sitting/laying down all day/night long. According to instructions, this is what needs to happen for the first three days....nothing.
Oh gawd, all I want to do is to complain and gripe. I broke my ankle. I would like some attention, and not just digital attention! Everyone is sending me their love, but it all comes digitally. So I don't feel the warmth. Roxane is very limited in what she can do, but to make me feel better she is always comparing what I am going through with her situation and how much worse she has it. "Now you know what I am going through." over and over again is not encouragement.
Yes she does have it worse than I do. When I had testicular cancer, I didn't decide to gain 50 pounds to help me feel better. Roxane has a hereditary condition where the bones in her feet are brittle and easily break. Her response to this is to weight over 350 pounds on her 5'4" frame. I will only be in a boot for six months maybe less, and in the mean time still work to lose the extra weight that I have to help my body be come healthier. I need to get down to a 32" waist.
BUT, she is here and without her. I would be the one getting my medication by walking 10 blocks to Walgreens in a pair of crutches. So yes, I do know that everything could be a lot worse than it is. I still just want to bitch, whine, complain and have someone just take my side for a few minutes sit next to me. Put their arm around me and hold me until I feel better.
OK .... so on to other projects and problems and changing my life.
Jude
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