There are days when I come to question my choices. Question the direction that I have choosen to follow. Not to say that I have made choices that have been misrepresented. More closer to that I have choosen to fool myself that something will change if I give it enough faith.
I have been asked to apologize for something I stand by to one whom I must always pardon. "That's just So-n-So you know that they are ignorant. They don't know how they hurt others." Then there is a list of excuses.
It comes down to "Shut Up Jude" and just do what I say. Even if you are right. It is too keep the peace.
The problem that right now I am furious.
I am here to serve with only the occasional bone thrown my way. There is more thrown my way, true, but with conditions. Then pointed out how at least I have it so much better just being the confidante, the errand boy, the counselor, the librarian. That my pain is nothing compared to a list of people. A list of people who I have considered to be family.
Then I stop and think that if I allow myself to love someone else. I am trading one set of chains for another, to do the same thing with another family. That maybe this is all I am good for in life?
I know this all not to be true, but for right now. It feels true.
